SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. Please excuse the wall of text, there is a lot in my head and I could use help sorting it out. WH (39) and I (29) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We moved to another country 3 years ago so that I could go to grad school. His depression has grown steadily worse, but he's been reticent about seeking help. Lately I have struggled to cope with it and felt myself pulling away. In February this year I found out he had been secretly filming me while we were being intimate. We've done this before, but I was never very comfortable with it and never gave blanket consent. On those occasions where I was aware of it, I made it clear I never wanted my face to be visible, but he had ignored that as well. He was doing it regularly for at least 6 months and sporadically for over 2 years. When I confronted him, he was mad that I was upset and gave me the cold shoulder for three days before eventually apologising, saying that he wasn't thinking and never meant to hurt me. He also said that because of his mental health, me being upset had triggered him deeply. We agreed to work through it. As part of reconciling, he agreed to start taking anti-depressants.

Fast forward to April and he wanted to go on a solo trip, and also visit his foreign language teacher (25). I find out after he's booked the tickets that he's staying with her and her family. It made me a little uncomfortable but I didn't bring it up because it was such a relief that he had the drive and energy to travel. Over the trip he didnt text very much. When he came back he was subdued and withdrawn, and then he confessed that he had a crush on his teacher and had admitted it to her, and she had admitted she felt the same way, but had gotten upset and felt bad for me. He swears nothing happened except hugs and that they had talked about what it would be like to be in a relationship together.

He let me look at their chat history — I had no idea that he had been texting her so often since late last year. There was nothing explicit or inappropriate, but it was near-daily good mornings and good nights and ‘what are your plans today’, and him complimenting her profile pictures, texting her when he couldn't sleep, and talking about our cat. No mention of me at all. When he got back, before he told me anything, she told him to stop contacting her. He was in our bedroom while I was cooking dinner, texting her and begging her to stay in his life. He says that he felt appreciated and validated by her, and that he had more knowledge than her.

I also snooped on his computer last week and found porn with women that looked like her and photos of her (not explicit) that he admitted he was masturbating to. These were downloaded literally three days after he confessed.

I'm seesawing between deep hurt, anger, and feeling absolutely nothing. I have to try and live with the fact that I'll never for sure what happened. I don't understand how he could do this, and I don't know if I can find it in me to forgive him again when I just did that and he threw it back in my face in less than three months. I thought he was pulling away from me because of the depression, and just did not see this coming at all. I know in a front brain kind of way that I'm not responsible for his choices, but I also feel a lot of guilt over his depression and it feels linked.

Aside from the emotional mess, I'm also struggling to understand his behavior. In some ways he's doing exactly what he should — he's apologetic, has refused to blame me even when I've asked him to, has agreed to maintain NC, has started IC and is looking for an MC. But he's also just… shut down. He mostly ignores me. When I ask if he still wants to stay in the relationship, I get an unenthusiastic ‘I still love you’ or ‘I'm still here, right?’ When I asked if he loved AP he said he loved her as a friend and still treasured the friendship, which hurt. Maybe this is hypocritical of me because I'm still on the fence about reconciling and have also been guarded, but he doesn't seem interested at all or like he wants to fight for the relationship. Maybe he can't, because of the depression? How do we move forward then? I can't care for him, and try to heal from this, and try to fix our relationship at the same time. I just can't give anymore. Can anyone help me understand how to deal with this?

I think you’re done with him, and you’re looking for people to tell you it’s OK to be done with him.

It’s OK to be done with him.

He is using his depression as an excuse to cheat.

However that is NOT the most disgusting and egregious thing has occurred. Him filming you for years without your consent and without you knowing is unacceptable.

Give yourself permission to run from this guy.

I could go through all the red flags here — but the filming thing is just too much to handle IMO. He has violated you and disrespected you.

And in some states and countries what he did is illegal. Do you know if he has shared these videos or posted them on a website or any other social media platform?

My heart breaks for you. If you were my daughter I would tell you to leave him.

You deserve better. I am so sorry for you. 😪

From what you have written there is a lot more wrong with him than depression. I have always thought that depression is contagious. Instead of a sunny future you are agonizing over someone who refuses to help mend your marriage. His overall behavior is hyper focused on one end and shut down on the other.

You cannot change or fix another person. Whatever devils are running his life did not come from you. If he cannot find happiness don’t let him bleed you dry trying to help.

Look at the reality of your life. Do you want to spend your 30s feeling this way.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you've had to experience infidelity. To say that it's painful is an understatement. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and is filled with lots of resources. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some posts that aren't pinned that have bull's eye icons that are also very helpful.

If you can, IC with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful for you. He does need IC, too. I wouldn't suggest MC at this time. The M (marriage) didn't cheat - he did. Take time for you to heal, then maybe MC later. MCs aren't very well equipped to deal with infidelity. They are there to work on the relationship.

Cheaters lie a lot. They even lie to themselves sometimes. He said it was just hugging & kissing, which is still physical. I would bet that he's lying because when there is motive, opportunity and the distance has been removed, they're going to have sex.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you. He was willing to put your life and health at risk. If you are having trouble with depression or sleeping, ask for meds. Be sure to take very good care of yourself at this time.

How to help you make sense of this? There is no sense. You're trying to apply logic to an illogical situation and it doesn't make sense, nor will it make sense. He had a million other choices he could have made, but he made so many decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

If he's serious about wanting to repair the M, he should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Betrayal by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Besides the red flags the others have pointed out, I'm going to point out a few more. I'm guessing that he isn't depressed, but that he's a manipulator and uses his behavior to get his own way. We don't do this or to here because he isn't up to it or doesn't feel like going. Him giving you the silent treatment? That's emotional abuse. Him shutting down and not talking to you? Also emotional abuse.

Try doing the 180 (in the Healing Library) and try to distance yourself emotionally so that you can begin to think straight. He may be saying the right things, but it is his consistent actions over time that will show you if he's changing to be a better person or not.

I haven't been on a forum in years so please bear with me while I figure out formatting. Thank you to everyone who has responded, it's given me a lot to think about.

I feel terrible seeing him upset. For our whole relationship I've been trying to convince him of his self-worth. Admittedly, I started running out of patience a while ago. But we were planning to move back home in a few months, and I was hoping that when we were back and he had a stronger support network things would get better and I would get him back.

When I asked about him being shut down, he says that he is trying, and that its hard when it also feels like I'm shut down, uninterested and not attracted to him. And I get that, it can't be easy to feel that way. I just don't know how to flip the switch in me.

I think you’re done with him, and you’re looking for people to tell you it’s OK to be done with him.

It feels like I'm abandoning him because of the depression, and what kind of person does that?

And in some states and countries what he did is illegal. Do you know if he has shared these videos or posted them on a website or any other social media platform?

My heart breaks for you. If you were my daughter I would tell you to leave him.

I've checked and haven't found anything, but I'm not exactly a tech whiz. Its another reason why I wasn't comfortable, because even if he keeps them private, whose to say someone else might not access his devices accidentally or while doing repairs one day? Your last line also made me cry, haha, I haven't told my mum anything.

Try doing the 180 (in the Healing Library) and try to distance yourself emotionally so that you can begin to think straight. He may be saying the right things, but it is his consistent actions over time that will show you if he's changing to be a better person or not.

Thank you! I'm reading about the 180 now.

I want you to know that I am always pro-reconciliation for people. I always hope things can be worked out and get to a happy marriage or relationship despite infidelity.

However in your case I would not be a fan of that.

I see you as a very nice supportive living person who had put up with abusive and emotionally manipulative behavior by your H under the guise of "his depression".

Please separate his depression (which I believe he has and that’s not in question) from manipulation and abuse.

Not speaking to you

The whole filming you w/out consent AND showing your face when you did not agree to that

His trip to visit a potential "girlfriend" and his unhappiness upon returning home and being w/out her

His hidden porn usage (I’m not judging people on if they view porn, but keeping it hidden from you is wrong)

Even if he starts taking depression medication, his behavior and actions towards you are NOT the result of his depression. They are the actions and choices of someone who is selfish and does not care about you or even respect you.

I’m sorry to say these things. I just don’t want to see you waste another 20 years on this guy without knowing what you are signing up for. Can he change? Yes. Will he? I don’t know. I hope he can and does.

But (isn’t there always a but?! ) you have to stop being his mother and start demanding to be his wife. And that means you stop allowing him to act like a child and wallow. He needs to man up and get professional help AND you need to see changes or you need to start to distance yourself.

" It feels like I'm abandoning him because of the depression, and what kind of person does that?"

It feels that way to you, or are you worried that’s what others will think?

I don’t think secretly filming you, or his cheating, are excused by depression (if he is depressed).

It’s OK to be done with him.

It feels like I'm abandoning him because of the depression, and what kind of person does that?

I think that anyone can do this because their first responsibility is to themselves. To yourself. To keep you emotionally, mentally and physically healthy.

It's like that old saying about how you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help anyone else. You're his wife, not his nurse. Not his doctor. Not his psychiatrist. It's up to him to seek the help he needs, and to do whatever work he needs to do to become healthy himself. You can't do that for him.

It's not the depression that is hurting you right now. It's all the other things he's done that maybe have nothing to do with the depression. Those things are the reasons you may consider leaving.

I think that anyone can do this because their first responsibility is to themselves. To yourself. To keep you emotionally, mentally and physically healthy.

You're right. I didn't mean to make it sound to like anyone who chooses to leave a situation like this is abandoning someone. It just feels that way in my case because I feel responsible for how bad it's gotten. Maybe it wouldn't be like this if we hadn't moved.

I see you as a very nice supportive living person who had put up with abusive and emotionally manipulative behavior by your H under the guise of "his depression".

(and also responsing to leafields who mentioned this)
I think this is what I'm afraid of. I can forgive a lot of things, but at some point maybe it becomes stupid to keep extending trust. It's just so confusing because he says he's sorry and wants things to work but his actions don't line up.

I haven't made up my mind on what to do but thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond.

When I asked about him being shut down, he says that he is trying, and that its hard when it also feels like I'm shut down, uninterested and not attracted to him. And I get that, it can't be easy to feel that way. I just don't know how to flip the switch in me.

There's nothing you can do to cure his low self-esteem. All you can do is give external validation ... which is exactly what aps often (usually? always?) do.

It's up to your WS to validate himself. I know from first hand experience that it's very difficult to switch from low-SE to high SE, but it's work that one has to do for oneself. No one else can do it. Is he willing to do that work?

And is his depression a result of low self-esteem? If so, he has to change how he views himself. A shrink I once heard said depression is a symptom, not a disease. It follows, he said, that depression won't be cured unless the actual source(s) are treated.

Any way you slice it, your WS will have to do a lot of work to heal. What is he willing to change? What work is he willing to do?

*****

Boy, I thought understanding my W's A was the key to my healing. I was wrong. Although I can understand much of what enabled her to cheat at an intellectual level, I still can't understand it at a visceral level, and that's the level that counts.

Q & A was crucial in testing her honesty, and honesty helped restore healthy bonds. But that didn't help me understand.

What helped me heal most was to face what was really causing me pain - anger, grief, fear, shame, shattered illusions, shattered hopes, wasted love, etc., etc., etc.

A good IC may help, if you're open to that.

*****

Gently, I think you may be taking on too much responsibility. Have you considered whether or not you're co-dependent? Searching the web for material on co-d - or reading Co-Dependent No More - should give you a read on that. If you are co-d, a good IC can definitely help.

*****

I'm really sorry you were filmed without consent, and I'm very sorry your WS is out of bounds generally. These twin blows will take a lot of effort to heal from, but have faith in yourself to heal.

You can survive and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:40 PM, Wednesday, June 4th]