Help me make sense of this: betrayal, emotional affair, depression, now what?

Hi. Please excuse the wall of text, there is a lot in my head and I could use help sorting it out. WH (39) and I (29) have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We moved to another country 3 years ago so that I could go to grad school. His depression has grown steadily worse, but he's been reticent about seeking help. Lately I have struggled to cope with it and felt myself pulling away. In February this year I found out he had been secretly filming me while we were being intimate. We've done this before, but I was never very comfortable with it and never gave blanket consent. On those occasions where I was aware of it, I made it clear I never wanted my face to be visible, but he had ignored that as well. He was doing it regularly for at least 6 months and sporadically for over 2 years. When I confronted him, he was mad that I was upset and gave me the cold shoulder for three days before eventually apologising, saying that he wasn't thinking and never meant to hurt me. He also said that because of his mental health, me being upset had triggered him deeply. We agreed to work through it. As part of reconciling, he agreed to start taking anti-depressants.

Fast forward to April and he wanted to go on a solo trip, and also visit his foreign language teacher (25). I find out after he's booked the tickets that he's staying with her and her family. It made me a little uncomfortable but I didn't bring it up because it was such a relief that he had the drive and energy to travel. Over the trip he didnt text very much. When he came back he was subdued and withdrawn, and then he confessed that he had a crush on his teacher and had admitted it to her, and she had admitted she felt the same way, but had gotten upset and felt bad for me. He swears nothing happened except hugs and that they had talked about what it would be like to be in a relationship together.

He let me look at their chat history — I had no idea that he had been texting her so often since late last year. There was nothing explicit or inappropriate, but it was near-daily good mornings and good nights and ‘what are your plans today’, and him complimenting her profile pictures, texting her when he couldn't sleep, and talking about our cat. No mention of me at all. When he got back, before he told me anything, she told him to stop contacting her. He was in our bedroom while I was cooking dinner, texting her and begging her to stay in his life. He says that he felt appreciated and validated by her, and that he had more knowledge than her.

I also snooped on his computer last week and found porn with women that looked like her and photos of her (not explicit) that he admitted he was masturbating to. These were downloaded literally three days after he confessed.

I'm seesawing between deep hurt, anger, and feeling absolutely nothing. I have to try and live with the fact that I'll never for sure what happened. I don't understand how he could do this, and I don't know if I can find it in me to forgive him again when I just did that and he threw it back in my face in less than three months. I thought he was pulling away from me because of the depression, and just did not see this coming at all. I know in a front brain kind of way that I'm not responsible for his choices, but I also feel a lot of guilt over his depression and it feels linked.

Aside from the emotional mess, I'm also struggling to understand his behavior. In some ways he's doing exactly what he should — he's apologetic, has refused to blame me even when I've asked him to, has agreed to maintain NC, has started IC and is looking for an MC. But he's also just… shut down. He mostly ignores me. When I ask if he still wants to stay in the relationship, I get an unenthusiastic ‘I still love you’ or ‘I'm still here, right?’ When I asked if he loved AP he said he loved her as a friend and still treasured the friendship, which hurt. Maybe this is hypocritical of me because I'm still on the fence about reconciling and have also been guarded, but he doesn't seem interested at all or like he wants to fight for the relationship. Maybe he can't, because of the depression? How do we move forward then? I can't care for him, and try to heal from this, and try to fix our relationship at the same time. I just can't give anymore. Can anyone help me understand how to deal with this?

13 comments posted: Wednesday, June 4th, 2025