SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi.

I'll try to make this post as brief and to the point as I'm able although the subject is quite complex. Please feel free to beat me with a 2 x 4 if you think I need one!

The background: I'm retired law enforcement (63) and have one adult son who lives separately. I had a 19 year marriage with his mother until she betrayed me and gave me no option other than to divorce her. After 10 years myself and XWW both get on well enough.

I'm currently married 3 years and live with a loving, warm and open woman (55) also on her 2nd marriage following a mutually agreed divorce from her first husband after 25 years due apparently to his anger/mental health issues. She has no children. She was brought up in a warm, loving and open family. I was brought up in a loving but quite emotionally distant family and sent away to school. I've always been an independent and private person. My wife is a much 'warmer' person and has many friends. We both identify as HSP's. I do still suffer from post betrayal trauma which has been severely triggered by this conflict. I'd say my wife is a good judge of character and generous to a fault. She has never given me any reason to distrust her about anything.

The issue: Recently we decided to update our Wills. I raised my concerns about the possibility of my son missing out on his inheritance should I drop dead suddenly and my wife were to remarry (marriage in the UK nullifies any previous Wills). She basically went into meltdown, especially when I suggested setting up a Trust to protect any inheritance that might be left after we have both died. Additionally she also felt she'd get a raw deal as the ringfenced assets in the Trust would be administered by the Trustees and she would therefore not have total control over her own expenditure.

I tried to explain to her it's not because I don't trust her (she now believes I definitely don't trust her!) but that sometimes shit happens and inadvertently things can occur that were not necessarily intended eg 'Oh I'm newly remarried and I know I need to make a new Will to protect my stepson which I'll get round to at some point...whenever' and the next day the surviving spouse gets run over by a bus. What happens to the child's inheritance? It goes to the new spouse. Or, maybe in old age the surviving spouse goes a bit doolally and decides to leave everything to the Cat's Protection League! What happens then to the child's inheritance? It's gone!

OK it's a one in a million chance but I would much prefer to have the security blanket of a formal, legally drawn up Trust.

This has caused an incredibly damaging rift between us and tbh is in danger of derailing our marriage completely.
We both love each other, get on well on so many levels and do want it to work but this has really knocked us both.

What I struggle to get my head around is that if the situation were reversed and she had a child from her previous marriage I would have no qualms about her setting up a Trust. I wouldn't feel it a direct attack on my honesty or trustworthiness and would understand her concerns and agree with her proposed solution.

Why are our reactions so so different?

Just to add, she knows I have trust issues and feels it's my upbringing, previous career and divorce that has made me the way I am which is likely very true. I have until recently always been quite private about personal wealth (or as she tells me 'secretive') and I don't enjoy discussing finances. I have however recently opened up a lot about 'our' finances and budgeting. I would say she's generally anxious about money and has concerns that we may not have enough to live on relatively comfortably going forward, especially as she recently sold her quite lucrative business. She likes to have certainty and a 'plan'. I've made it abundantly clear that in no way do I want her to go financially short in old age and that in some scenarios such as prolonged elderly care my son's potential inheritance could be used up in care home fees in any case.

This feels like a Gordian knot. My dear wife is incredibly angry with me and I am incredibly sad! She has told me that what has been said by me cannot be unsaid and as a result she has emotionally withdrawn from me. We are at least agreed that we do need couples counselling. I would never have imagined finances would cause such a massive issue between us!

I'd really welcome any thoughtful input on here...please!!

I don’t personally have experience with your exact situation as I don’t have children.

However, I don’t feel ur being unreasonable. My older sister died from a stroke 12 years ago and has 3 grown, responsible and financially independent daughters. Her husband has had the same partner for about 7 years. He is former military but also a pension from his only job as an adult that was about 35 years. If I recall her spouse was retired LEO, so a survivor pension. She has 2 grown, irresponsible, addiction problems, likely narcissistic sons.

She is a lovely person and is of course now a part of our family too.

They have made the decision to never marry in order to keep their respective children’s possible inheritance "safe". If one of them got hit by a bus or has an illness that could drain both of their individual finances the other is then protected too.

I say the above as example in my opinion of an adult couple who will take care of one another for the rest of their lives, but both have responsibilities from before they ever met.

Your wife recently sold a business, is that solely her money? Or how was that handled? Was it her business long before you met or started after you became a couple.

I can understand the feeling for couples counseling, but have you both met with a financial planner? So all the options, etc. are open and discussed w a professional?

Why a trust? Why not just give your son control of the assets you want him to inherit? (That's a Q for you to answer for yourself; no need to share your answer except, perhaps, with W and son.')

I, too, think a good CC can help your W see that your decision is not a threat to her. I agree that a good financial planner could help, too.

I've about come to the conclusion that ALL of us grow up screwed up, even in the most loving families. I realize there's a lot of irony in that statement, but I think there's a lot of truth in it, too.

Have you been to see a solicitor or are you just operating on your personal knowledge of Trusts? I ask because your wife seems to think that she will be under the thumb of the trustee and have to get permission to spend Trust monies. Is this what your solicitor said? In the U.S. you can write a Trust agreement that would not put the beneficiary in the position of having to get sign off by the Trustee. I would suggest finding a solicitor who specializes in trusts and estates and have your wife accompany you to the consult. One other technique that I have seen to safeguard a child’s inheritance from the vagaries of re-marriage is to take out a life insurance policy with the child as the beneficiary. Life insurance proceeds are distributed outside of the estate so it wouldn't matter if a surviving spouse remarried or died the day after you died.

You've hit on the reason that I would most likely not remarry if I were widowed. If I did, it would be with a pre-nup that ensured that my children's inheritance did not end up solely in the hands of my new spouse.

Several years ago, a friend of mine lost her father and stepmother to a car accident. Both of them were killed at the scene, but her father was officially declared dead before her stepmother. Because of that, her stepmother inherited everything as his surviving spouse (though she only survived him by minutes), and her entire estate passed to her heirs. Those heirs initially said a lot of supportive things to my friend about being fair to her... but those words were proven empty when the estates settled. They kept every dime of the money.

I also understand why sisoon's proposal to just give your son control of the money wouldn't work. It's not fair for your wife to be dependent on his graciousness if he suddenly owns the house she lives in. If you want her to have access to the income of principal that will eventually be his, or rights to live in the house until her death, a trust makes sense to me. Likewise, her assets should be shielded from your son if she has other heirs in mind in the event that she predeceases you.

My views on this are colored by my financial concern for my kids even if I never remarry. One of them is set to make an excellent living, but the other two are not pursuing lucrative careers. While they work hard to save money, they are not positioned to accumulate sufficient wealth for their retirement. I'm prepared to make sacrifices to look out for their interests, and I can see how a stepparent might not have the same priorities, especially one who comes into their lives when they are adults. It can also be hard to have to adjust a standard of living as a widow or widower, so it's more straightforward if that's all laid out ahead of time and left in the hands of legal administrators.

Although I certainly hope my husband finds love again if I die, and I can see why marriage might be important to his new partner as a symbol of that love, he and I have made a firm pact that any legal agreements we enter into will reflect our current financial priorities.