Help! On 2nd marriage with child from 1st marriage. Issues re finances, inheritance and above all trust!
Hi.
I'll try to make this post as brief and to the point as I'm able although the subject is quite complex. Please feel free to beat me with a 2 x 4 if you think I need one!
The background: I'm retired law enforcement (63) and have one adult son who lives separately. I had a 19 year marriage with his mother until she betrayed me and gave me no option other than to divorce her. After 10 years myself and XWW both get on well enough.
I'm currently married 3 years and live with a loving, warm and open woman (55) also on her 2nd marriage following a mutually agreed divorce from her first husband after 25 years due apparently to his anger/mental health issues. She has no children. She was brought up in a warm, loving and open family. I was brought up in a loving but quite emotionally distant family and sent away to school. I've always been an independent and private person. My wife is a much 'warmer' person and has many friends. We both identify as HSP's. I do still suffer from post betrayal trauma which has been severely triggered by this conflict. I'd say my wife is a good judge of character and generous to a fault. She has never given me any reason to distrust her about anything.
The issue: Recently we decided to update our Wills. I raised my concerns about the possibility of my son missing out on his inheritance should I drop dead suddenly and my wife were to remarry (marriage in the UK nullifies any previous Wills). She basically went into meltdown, especially when I suggested setting up a Trust to protect any inheritance that might be left after we have both died. Additionally she also felt she'd get a raw deal as the ringfenced assets in the Trust would be administered by the Trustees and she would therefore not have total control over her own expenditure.
I tried to explain to her it's not because I don't trust her (she now believes I definitely don't trust her!) but that sometimes shit happens and inadvertently things can occur that were not necessarily intended eg 'Oh I'm newly remarried and I know I need to make a new Will to protect my stepson which I'll get round to at some point...whenever' and the next day the surviving spouse gets run over by a bus. What happens to the child's inheritance? It goes to the new spouse. Or, maybe in old age the surviving spouse goes a bit doolally and decides to leave everything to the Cat's Protection League! What happens then to the child's inheritance? It's gone!
OK it's a one in a million chance but I would much prefer to have the security blanket of a formal, legally drawn up Trust.
This has caused an incredibly damaging rift between us and tbh is in danger of derailing our marriage completely.
We both love each other, get on well on so many levels and do want it to work but this has really knocked us both.
What I struggle to get my head around is that if the situation were reversed and she had a child from her previous marriage I would have no qualms about her setting up a Trust. I wouldn't feel it a direct attack on my honesty or trustworthiness and would understand her concerns and agree with her proposed solution.
Why are our reactions so so different?
Just to add, she knows I have trust issues and feels it's my upbringing, previous career and divorce that has made me the way I am which is likely very true. I have until recently always been quite private about personal wealth (or as she tells me 'secretive') and I don't enjoy discussing finances. I have however recently opened up a lot about 'our' finances and budgeting. I would say she's generally anxious about money and has concerns that we may not have enough to live on relatively comfortably going forward, especially as she recently sold her quite lucrative business. She likes to have certainty and a 'plan'. I've made it abundantly clear that in no way do I want her to go financially short in old age and that in some scenarios such as prolonged elderly care my son's potential inheritance could be used up in care home fees in any case.
This feels like a Gordian knot. My dear wife is incredibly angry with me and I am incredibly sad! She has told me that what has been said by me cannot be unsaid and as a result she has emotionally withdrawn from me. We are at least agreed that we do need couples counselling. I would never have imagined finances would cause such a massive issue between us! 
I'd really welcome any thoughtful input on here...please!!
4 comments posted: Saturday, May 3rd, 2025
Opinions on monogamy following divorce after infidelity?
Some may find this subject TRIGGERY so to start with here's a health warning to those starting out on their new relationship journeys. I do not wish to cause anyone any more pain!!
Maybe this thread would be better in General (Mods please feel free to move or even delete) but I'm interested in how those who have been through the trauma of infidelity and have eventually come out the other side now feel about the concept of monogamy and whether their beliefs have changed at all as a result of being cheated on as they start new relationships, particularly those who were in long term marriages and are of a certain age! 
I'm much more interested in opinions from BS's but remorseful and reconciling WS's thoughts are welcome also as are those who have found a path going forward that doesn't embrace the concept of monogamy in their relationship(s).
From my own perspective the deep betrayal 6 years ago following a 25 year relationship, certainly made me think deeply about this subject and how I can (maybe?) protect myself from ever experiencing this kind of pain ever again. (I have been and still am monogamous in all my relationships).
This is all very subjective so I hope we will respect other's opinions that might differ from our own on this personal and sensitive issue.
20 comments posted: Friday, October 1st, 2021
Struggling with cynicism. Any suggestions?
Not a 'new beginning' as such as I'm engaged to be married, having met my lovely partner over 3 years ago. 
However, I'm really struggling with relationship/marriage cynicism. I think I've always had a cynical outlook on life and people generally having spent 30 years in law enforcement!
Being a BS I am painfully aware that whilst things may be fantastic 'in the moment', individuals change and relationships change and no BS wants to be made a fool of...again! I guess cynicism stems from a lack of trust which comes from one's experience of life and people over time. 
I'm also having an internal battle between my acceptance of empowered, independent, strong, modern women (who I love!) and yet at the same time those same women having conveniently 'old fashioned' ideas about men's roles in society and in relationships.
I'm not sure I'm making much sense but if anyone has any thoughts or reading suggestions on how to try to overcome cynicism please post away.
3 comments posted: Tuesday, October 13th, 2020
'Attached' by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
Having just finished this book I've started to read it again from start to finish.
Many books on 'Attachment theory' can be quite dry and scholarly whereas this book deals with the issues on a practical everyday level. It helps you to determine your own attachment style as well as identifying attachment styles of others and how to connect better with partners with potentially very different comfort levels of intimacy.
For those on here (most likely all of us?) with either anxious or avoidant attachment styles (or both!) this book is worth it's weight in gold, particularly to those either in reconciliation or starting their 'new beginnings'.
It would be interesting to read feedback on this book from others on here.
6 comments posted: Friday, March 6th, 2015
