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I am about 2.5 yrs out. I Love my wife but there is no trust, no Intimacy, no Longing, no talks or touch. We have been together for 13+ yrs I made the choice to stay mostly because of our children. (4 of them) She wouldn't stay in counseling after 4 months, I'm literally lost. It feels like yesterday. Other than the absolute rage I felt. I'm not sure I will ever feel how it felt before the affair. The triggers are everywhere my mind is still racing not sure I've even slept for more than 4 hours solid in that entire time. I work out like I'm in college again. Trying to exaust myself mostly. I'm in great shape again for 50 but not sure how long I can keep this up.

Anyway I just needed to vent. Any advice thanks.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here and feeling so lost. There are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you may find helpful, even after 2.5 years. The Healing Library is full of resources, too.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. It sounds like you have some symptoms of PTSD. There's also PISD (post-infidelity stress disorder) that you should be able to find some articles on. There's no established diagnosis for it, but there are studies that people who have suffered through infidelity have these symptoms.

Maybe see your doctor for some medication to help you sleep? I had to go on something to help me sleep in the beginning.

Also, I got one of those meditation apps and learned to meditate. It was so helpful with helping my thoughts when they were spiraling out of control. It took a while to get there, but it has been so helpful.

Also, if you're constantly thinking of certain things, you're creating a neural pathway in your brain for your thoughts to automatically go there. Doing certain things like playing certain match 3 games have been shown to help rewire your brain so that you're not automatically going to those triggers.

We have a lot of collective wisdom, and you'll see all kinds of advice. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Are you in individual counseling? If she isn’t going, no matter what you decide it can be very helpful. I’m a year out and in a rage mostly…hang in there.

Welcome to SI, LostInBeingLost. I'm also 2.5 years out (from dday1 / 1.75 years from dday4) and mostly stayed for our kid, though I also wanted to salvage our 25 year history. We quit MC shortly after dday4. At the 2 year mark, I was feeling nothing for my WS (Wayward Spouse), and I decided to do a trial separation. That's been going on about 3 months, and it has really opened my eyes. I feel a lot of relief when he isn't around. I'm actually happy at times (and not wishing I wouldn't wake up every morning).

I'm currently working on a plan to ask for a divorce and forgiving myself for things not working out. Sometimes we try our best and still infidelity is a dealbreaker. It's sad, but I think it's also okay if that's the reality.

I am about 2.5 yrs out. I Love my wife but there is no trust, no Intimacy, no Longing, no talks or touch.

Have you considered what you are modeling to your kids, that you are rightly concerned about? Don’t think for a moment they aren’t already being deeply impacted watching their parent’s marriage. This is going to impact their future relationships in terrible ways.

Don’t assume "staying together at any cost" is always what’s best for the kids. You’re teaching them to tolerate betrayal, disrespect, and loveless marriage. So very sad.

What your wife did was clearly and understandably a deal-breaker for you, and from the sound of it, your wife has shown little effort to repair what she broke. Consider showing your kids it’s critical not to tolerate abusive relationships, which you are currently in.

About 2.5 years out, I raised lack of trust as an issue in an MC session. Our MC wouldn't even discuss it - 'It's too early,' she said. So lack of trust you mention doesn't cocern me.

IIRC, I was in better shape than you seem to be. I was through my rage, I believe. I could sleep some. I was comfortable knowing our relationship would never be the same. Of course, that happens even without a traumatic event - relationships are bound to change over 2.5 years. I was comfortable with knowing I couldn't change my W and knowing I would recover from whatever my W have me.

Also, my W was still in therapy 30 months out, still working to change from hating herself to liking herself.

What are you doing to help yourself? Have you considered IC for you?

What is your W doing? Has she changed from cheater to good partner? If not, what are you willing to change about yourself so you can deal with a basically unremorseful WS?