SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

"When they tell you who they are; believe them."

I find physical exercise helps my mental state. A couple years from now this will be in the rearview.

How's it going Scott? Any updates in the past couple of weeks? Has she moved out?

NZ

How's it going Scott? Any updates in the past couple of weeks? Has she moved out?

No, we're currently still doing IHS and my offer on the forever home was rejected by her until she gets her own appraisal to determine what she thinks the value is. Our verbal agreement is to hopefully agree to the equity in the home established by the midpoint between my appraisal and her appraisal. Oregon courts would use this methodology so I'd be surprised if she waffled on this later. We'll see just how outlandish her number is... her appraiser was onsite this weekend so I'm told that 2-3 weeks for his number. I also asked her to show me the email confirming she ordered the appraisal so I at least know she's not dragging her feet. If the number is too high we may have to sell, which she now says she'd prefer NOT to do, but I don't know if I believe that. I've told her the kids are always welcome there in the future to play at the river, etc.

We are mostly civil in a roommate kind of way, with no major blowups between us for about a week. She's acted very, very cold around me and I've largely stayed unaffected. Definitely no love bombing or anything of the sort. Her son turns 18 this weekend and we are jointly taking he and his girlfriend to dinner, but her relationship with him remains strained as well as with her oldest daughter. They've both told me they don't understand where she's at right now and any attempts by the daughter to have meaningful conversation with her are flat out rejected. I don't say much regarding us when talking with her kids and keep it light and just listen.

I formally retained an attorney and she is just waiting in the wings to see how things play out with the real estate deal first. I have no exposure with her regarding the business so thats locked tight and the attorney confirmed.

My own personal well-being is so-so depending on the day. 3 1/2 months since DDay and if I see the forest from the trees, I can see i'm gradually healing. Its a game of inches and its anything but linear while still living together, but progress is progress. I'm past the point of monitoring her, following her around town, etc. I'm slowly strengthening the mindset that she is going to do whatever she wants and I can only control myself. Easier said than done but I've been focusing on work more, steady at the gym, and slowly expanding my long-dormant social circle. I'm well aware living apart would exponentially speed this process but its not logistically feasible right now for me and she refuses to leave at this juncture.

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 7:51 PM, Thursday, May 21st]

Scott, it sounds to me like you're doing incredibly well for 3 1/2 months out. I hope it continues that way for you, but also don't be surprised if you fall apart at some point in the future. Sometimes it takes a while for the reality of it all to really sink in.

Overall, it sounds like you are in a good place – all things considered.

Look – I’m the type of guy who places an emergency box in the rear of my truck every autumn… I don’t want to get caught out without jumper-cables, a shovel and towrope. This despite not having to use any of that stuff for years. I just think you would be better off knowing what you MIGHT be facing and taking preventive measures, rather than having events slam you in the face as they come along. And yes – I change it for a summer-emergency box in spring (more tool oriented for those off-road fishing trails).

Make 100% certain that her dismissal is completely legal.

Seeing as how part of all this is losing her source of income, I’m a bit surprised how calm she seems about losing the job. I think Oregon gives employers a lot of power, but I would touch base with your attorney that her dismissal and how that was handled ticks all the boxes.
I would be wary about her calmness… Maybe she thinks she has some other form of income coming in, such as half the value of the company and/or other assets you consider solely yours. I wouldn’t ask her – don’t want to give her ideas – but I would have an attorney calm me on all these issues.

I know you guys aren’t married, but civil partnership can create grounds for spousal support. Ask your attorney about the likelihood of that, and what it might cost you. With knowledge you can prepare possible counter-offers, such as a one-off payment.

Since it’s inevitable that the living arrangements will change, have you asked her why she doesn’t just move in with Loverboy?

Other than that – Keep busy because that’s how you start recovering.

Seeing as how part of all this is losing her source of income, I’m a bit surprised how calm she seems about losing the job. I think Oregon gives employers a lot of power, but I would touch base with your attorney that her dismissal and how that was handled ticks all the boxes.

Yes, I paid $700 to consult my attorney and a labor law specialist about everything related to her dismissal and potential claims to the business. That was just my one hour consult with all details reviewed and examined, not the overall retainer. Let me reiterate...I'm locked in on this and there's no issue.

I've asked her to politely move out multiple times and the only response i get is that she will not be told what to do, and maybe I should move out. So i ultimately gave up on that...

I know you guys aren’t married, but civil partnership can create grounds for spousal support. Ask your attorney about the likelihood of that, and what it might cost you. With knowledge you can prepare possible counter-offers, such as a one-off payment.

Yes, I've asked the attorney this question twice during meetings and there's 100% no way she gets any type of quasi spousal support. Another attorney friend not on retainer agreed and said I dodged a bullet on this issue.

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 2:47 PM, Friday, May 22nd]