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D day was almost three months ago and I don’t know if we are going to make it. My WH has now apologized many times. But he doesn’t want to go to any more counseling (after two sessions) because it "makes him feel bad." Things are ended with the OW, mostly because I figured out she didn’t know he was married and she dropped him quickly when I told her we had been married for forty-three years. I wasn’t mean, I think she was lied to the whole time too. I have not shared any of this with our two adult sons, even though one shares the household with his family and would be affected if we divorce.

So tonight, things erupted when I asked my WH to limit communication with his old buddy who helped him cheat the entire time. This guy keeps calling and I know he would not mind at all if our marriage tanked. And that led to a blowup about how I can’t let things go. No, it’s true, I can’t sweep two years of cheating under the rug. My WH got really ugly and I left the room. He has PTSD, and once he reaches that stage, there is no communicating with him anyway. So I have to decide what to do, R seems pretty impossible if he won’t put more effort in. I would really like to consult with my son, but I don’t want to destroy his relationship with his father. Please all of you, give me advice.

You need your family's support. Absolutely tell your kids. You won't destroy their relationship. If anything, he did that. But you can also tell them what happened with just the facts. You dont have to name call, etc. I'm sure you wouldn't do that anyway. Depending on whether or not he takes ownership of his actions will determine if the kids decide to cut him off. Often, the adult children dont cut off the parent for good, but do lose respect for a while for the cheating parent.

Thank you. I did tell my son and he clearly already suspected what had happened. He was supportive of whatever I decide.

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're joining us. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some pinned posts that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, too.

One piece of advice we give for those who want to R (reconcile) is that any friends who are not friends of the M (marriage) and facilitated or encouraged the A (affair) are cut off. He shouldn't "limit" communication, he should entirely never contact the old buddy.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. (You can read it, too.) Another good resource is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WH needs IC to work on becoming a safe partner. Too bad that it makes him "feel bad" - he needs to work on the reason he feels bad and to find better coping mechanisms.

Please be sure to get tested for STDs/STIs. If you're having trouble with anxiety or sleeping, ask your doctor for some meds.

It takes years to heal from betrayal trauma, so this isn't a case of you "not letting it go", you're trying to heal.

ETA: Tell who you need to tell, including your adult children. If they're adults, they can maintain their own relationship with their dad.

[This message edited by leafields at 3:28 PM, Thursday, August 21st]

So talking with a professional who may be able to repair the relationship makes him feel bad so he doesn't want to go. Too bad, oh well. He was willing to risk you feeling destroyed if you found out but poor baby doesn't want to feel bad talking about what he's done for the past 2 years

In my opinion he is not sincere about trying to repair the relationship. Of course he wants to sweep it under the rug and move on because it makes him feel bad. At one point my wife said placing blame doesn't help, we are both at fault because she was desperate to find any excuse to minimize and deflect the blame which was 100% hers. It took her months to finally admit it was all on her

If you feel your kids need to know then I would tell your husband I am sitting down with the boys tonight and telling them what's going on. You are welcome to join us or if you want to be a coward and run away that's your choice.

The cheaters have no problem being selfish and risking somebody else's well-being for their own selfish pleasures but have the audacity to get upset when asked to face the destruction they created

ETA: The friend who helped enable the affair has to go, end of discussion. Friends should be marriage friendly and if not they need to go.

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:23 PM, Thursday, August 21st]

What's the source of your H's PTSD? Does it predate his A?

He's got to feel worse before he can feel better about himself, IMO. He really needs to get into what events, thoughts, and feelings make him feel so bad about himself. Once those get to the surface, he can counteract them.

I'm very sorry you're dealing with this.

I agree that he needs to dump his 'friend' who probably does more to make him feel bad about himself than most therapists can.

I'm not sure about telling your adult kids. What do you hope will come from telling them?

I don't agree that you should tell adult children to get their support. Tell them. Don't expect support. They will be dealing with their own issues in their relationships with both parents and the rest of their nuclear family.

My perspective is from a young adult whose parents divorced due to infidelity. I heard first from my father who was unfaithful. It was a warped and untrue perspective and not my mother's, but I didn't have any way to know that. After hearing from my mother, it was clear her pain overwhelmed the situation. Whatever she wanted, I did. I didn't talk about what I was going through at my father's house and with the AP. There was no room for that. If my mom said, "Your dad wants to see you. Call him."; I did what she asked. When my father and the AP were verbally and emotionally abusive, I certainly wasn't going to go back and tell my mom. She just felt worse that she chose this person as my father. I wanted to protect my mother from that pain.

In the end, it took me forever to draw my own boundaries with my father. It sucked. Your adult child is going through some things too.

Our son was 2 when the infidelities occurred. We didn't tell him anything until he turned 32. My wife flew to his state to confess in person. I then had a phone conversation with him about her A's shortly after to make sure he heard my side as well. It didn't damage his relationship with his Mom, in fact according to him it cleared up why he always felt that there was something off about Mom and Dad. At times he said he thought it was his fault. In retrospect we should have told him much sooner.

Your sons are adults and they should know what's going on in the family. They're eventually going to find out anyway from the interaction between you two - it's hard to hide family discord, and you should trust your adult kids. They have a right to know. If they view him differently because of his behavior....that is part of the price of infidelity. Of course people should regard you differently!!! That doesn't mean it ends their relationship but they have a right to give him their opinion too...and more importantly to give you support in this. YOU are the one who has been injured. So please, do tell them both (because it shouldn't be that one knows and the other doesn't). You don't have to rage about this with them, if you just tell them, your father was unfaithful with another woman for a 2 year relationship and we are having a lot of relationship trouble now and I don't know how it's going to end up....no decisions have been made.....I think that's enough. If they have questions, they'll ask - they probably should ask him, what the hell have you been doing, but for you, you need the support, they have a right to know, they're adults....and they're gonna find out anyway.

As for him, I think it's hard to overcome a 2 year affair with someone else. I don't know if I would consider that frankly, no matter how long I was married - the past is over, how do you want to spend your future? Is this person who lied to you and her, someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? He's got to FIX THINGS because he broke them. It's on him to fix them, not you. He has to fix himself and show you how he's doing that. There are a lot of resources on here to that can give guidance to him - and you. But this is on his head, you just have to decide how much you are willing to put up with....for how long. You can put a time limit on efforts to see changes or reconcile.

I would tell him this friend has got to go. He's no friend of the marriage and he's apparently been a bad influence. People sometimes have these in their lives and they can encourage a lot of bad behavior like cheating, drinking, drug use, gambling, slacking off jobs, or whatever. Some people are just a bad influence and he gives your husband excuses, possibly cover, and maybe would help him with opportunities. If your marriage has a chance, I think this guy, and any like him, HAVE TO GO.

You sound like the kind of person who doesn't put up with shit. I like that. Stay strong!!! He's got to win you back, not vice versa.

WH’s PTSD is from military experiences, but he also had an abusive mother (his dad passed when he was a baby). He takes medication but it only takes the edge off, also has a counselor for that. Despite treatment, he is an unhappy person. I have always tried to support him in every way. That is why this was such a slap in the face. He can’t explain it except to say it was exciting. The OW and old buddy are 400 miles away and he would go visit the old hometown to help the buddy with projects. Which he did do, between cheating. So I’d say there were a half dozen visits over the two years with another one planned when he slipped up and called her within my earshot.

The buddy is cut off now. Our future is still up in the air. Ironically, today is our 44th anniversary. I took my wedding band off a few days ago.

If he hasn’t gone through EMDR therapy he needs it yesterday! Demand it. It was designed for military ptsd.