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My wife had an affair 25 years ago , despite my red lines,remained in contact sporadically in next couple of years (even met him "platonically" with our baby daughter in park 2 years later to "talk things over" although from what Iater read he had different intentions and then after he moved abroad , as we did to a different country ) . She contacted him 10 years later which I discovered , hit me like a brick , that’s when i read about the post A contact and also a weekend away they spent away together she told me was for work at the time . It’s been a hard journey since but we are still together and had another child 20 years ago . I coped terribly at the original time post A worse after the ten year contact . The last 8 years things are much better .

Recently my wife suggested a weekend away at a renowned beautiful part of the country she had read about , some 150 miles away . It turns out this spot is just a couple of miles ( we’d have to drive through it )from the village where they went away for their "romantic" weekend . I believe she has not realised this yet. When I did, the bad memories came flooding back and I am deciding if and how I tell her now , make excuses to go somewhere else , or even go , and see if she realises and act as a test to see if I can put to bed memory of their weekend away . I’ve no one to talk to about these feelings and lord knows I’ve dragged up the details of the A with her many times before as by her actions it never left me for years but i do not think the reaction will be good and positioned as a "there you go again wanting to make me feel bad " she is a completely different person now . I am siding with the option of making excuse to go elsewhere and forget what I know about her suggestion by myself , but any advice / support welcome

Thank you for taking the time etc

J

[This message edited by JackD at 8:32 AM, Wednesday, June 18th]

do not think the reaction will be good and positioned as a "there you go again wanting to make me feel bad " she is a completely different person now

This is not the right reaction. She should be apologetic and understanding of your feelings. Not upset that you have a reaction to something that was a betrayal she chose to do.

Sometimes people just don’t get. 🤦‍♀️ SMH

I don't mean to pile on, but I, too, think your only good approach is to raise this issue. Depending on how she responds, raising this issue will be somewhere on the 'Great!' to 'Awful' spectrum for your M, but as much as the truth may hurt, it hurts less than the truth does.

She cheated. You feel bad and tell her. Then she accuses you of wanting to make her feel bad. Does that sound like she cares about you? She may care about you very much. She may just get defensive about her A. But that's an issue for her as well as for you.

My reco is to stop letting this sick, infectious dog continue to sleep. Wake it up, and cure or slay it.

Agree with the others.

I would simply say you realize she may not have noticed it, but this is a place you don’t want to pass thru. I would say you love the idea of a getaway with her but you would like to look for a different location.

I think she should understand this. If not then I would agree there is a lack of empathy that should also be discussed. She should be making you safe in sharing your feelings. It’s an important aspect of emotional intimacy.

Everyone is also different some bs purposefully choose to go to the city or location so they can reclaim it. That would not or did not work for me they always met at our house we had to sell it.