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So I take it you decided not to contact the spouse of the phone sex guy because you’re afraid of upsetting your wife and disrupting the momentary peace.

You’re sweeping her EA— which is almost certainly a PA— under the rug.

And she knows exactly what she’s doing and how to play you.

I often feel like Cassandra on this forum— doomed to predict awful events that no one believes until they actually happen— but I’m still going to tell you that if you continue on your current course of action, which is to do nothing, then you are setting yourself up for more misery and more betrayal.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 11:35 AM, Tuesday, May 20th]

I often feel like Cassandra on this forum— doomed to predict awful events that no one believes until they actually happen— but I’m still going to tell you that if you continue on your current course of action, which is to do nothing, then you are setting yourself up for more misery and more betrayal.

It’s a very sad truth of life some people simply must learn the hard way.

** Member to Member **

An aphorism I took to heart long ago is: one learns more from failure than from success.

At the same time, a lot of people seem to know instinctively that rug-sweeping is far from an ideal strategy - even when it appears to work, it leaves too many issues unresolved.

Justabouthere, You've received a virtually unanimous verdict in response to the words you've written.

Are you seeing something that you haven't written?
If so, what is it?
What gives you hope?
What do you expect to be results of your tactics?

Thanks everyone for keeping me in mind, I appreciate it.

BTB, you were quite clairvoyant about the OBS when you said that she may already know more than I thought. I received a short response to my message to her. "TY. I am aware." I haven’t heard anything from her since, and so far, no blowback in my face.

As far as rug sweeping the EA is concerned, I am looking at it more as putting a pin in it for now. The school year is ending for my kids this week, and the second week of summer vacation will be six days of sleepover camp for the both of them. I am planning to address the EA with her then. Just the two of us and the dogs. I don’t feel an urgency to move faster on it, and it will give me some time to prepare myself.

As far as rug sweeping the EA is concerned, I am looking at it more as putting a pin in it for now. The school year is ending for my kids this week, and the second week of summer vacation will be six days of sleepover camp for the both of them. I am planning to address the EA with her then. Just the two of us and the dogs. I don’t feel an urgency to move faster on it, and it will give me some time to prepare myself.

If that's the strongest you can be in the situation, then it's the strongest you can be.

I'd aim higher personally but it's good to know your limitations. Hope all goes well.

Hi Justabouthere, I can tell how much you love your wife and your family, and how willing you are to help her, and to absorb pain and difficulty to protect your family. This is wonderfully loving, kind, masculine, and in keeping with your marriage vows.

Your wife believes (probably not consciously, but somewhere in her subconscious - she does not want to bring these thoughts into her consciousness) that it is OK to give sexual gratification to another man, and it is OK to accept sexual gratification from another man. This is unambiguous from her actions. Whether or not the physical acts have happened, whether or not she states this in words, this is what she believes. This is a belief that may eat away at your marriage slowly or may lead to an implosion. Like termites in the foundation of your marriage.

The kind of love you need right now for your wife and your family is love that is combined with wisdom. Perhaps even if you are not religious you can connect with the difference that the ancient Hebrews drew between wisdom and foolishness. Foolishness, in their view, was not innocent or naive. It was dangerous bordering on evil, because it led to destruction, disorder, pain that radiates to others, and chaos. If your wife was diagnosed with cancer, you could probably go back to normal living the next day. To spare her the difficulty of facing reality and to protect your children from the devastation. Would that be wise? Kind? Loving? Or foolish?

I understand your relief during days that feel like the temperature is lowered a bit, more normal. But there is a kind of energy around crisis that propels change. It worries me when people don’t take advantage of crisis (though usually I’m talking to waywards, I think it might also applied to betrayed spouses). I know you can’t live in that state, but I encourage you to seek temporary relief from it and then return to it as much as you can. We change when we fail and we change when we are so uncomfortable we can’t stay in the place we are. When we are comfortable, we don’t change. That’s true for your wife and likely true for you as well.

I am sorry you are going through this.