3 weeks post-discovery — my husband's secret double life with men (we're a gay couple), is this salvageable?
I'm a gay man. Married ~5 years, together ~7 years, husband's secret double life just came out — how do I know if this is salvageable?
Husband (39, gay, Muslim, from a culturally conservative background re being gay) and me (42, gay, liberal values but believed in monogamy or at least discussed boundaries). We have been together since just before Covid in 2019.
Ten days ago, on a trip abroad, I discovered he's had a hidden sexual life running alongside our marriage — multiple secret accounts, encounters with other men ('professional' massage where he was nude, male masseur wasn't, non-professional casual massage exchanges in the nude, apparently only one in-person meetup for sexual contact, ongoing explicit chats/ sexting and nude image exchange across multiple platforms), going back an unclear length of time. He says it "only started this year," but the scale and sophistication of what he'd built makes that hard to believe. Admitted only to professional massages as his discretion throughout the whole relationship.
Since discovery: lots of trickle-truth (I've had to find almost everything myself), a written "disclosure" that still feels carefully worded to avoid full honesty, and now individual therapy has started for him with him asking to change this to a couples session in a couple of weeks.
Our sex life had been a long-standing problem before any of this — I always initiated, raised it repeatedly, nothing changed. I suspect a lot of our intimacy was obligatory on his side rather than desired.
He says he loves me and is committed to fixing this. But remorse mostly only shows up when I push for it, not unprompted. Day to day life has weirdly settled into a kind of uneasy normal.
I'm not making big decisions yet — just watching whether real change follows the words, or whether this is as much honesty as I'll ever get.
Has anyone been through something like this? What actually told you whether it was worth staying, and how long did it realistically take to know?
13 comments posted: Wednesday, July 15th, 2026
Wayward Husband handed me a self-authored disclosure. Do I force a Polygraph, or just a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist?
I (42m) recently discovered my Wayward Husband (39m) has been living a secret life involving hookup apps and local/international massage hookups. We have been together since 2019.
I'm now holding a hard boundary (the 180, sleeping in the spare room), but around a week ago he wrote me a long, self-authored "disclosure" document. I already know it is full of trickle-truth, minimisation, and timelines that don't make sense. I have told him this document is unacceptable.
My question for the forum: To move forward, should I request a formal therapeutic disclosure? Should I demand he use a CSAT and take a polygraph? Or, because polygraphs are not scientifically perfect, should I just ask for him to see a CSAT and rely on the therapist to break his denial?
Here is the redacted document he handed me. I would appreciate your eyes on it to validate the minimisation I am already seeing.
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Part 1: Introduction and Context
Before detailing the specific timeline of events, I want to address why this escalated recently and acknowledge your very valid questions about how long this has been going on. I understand completely why it is difficult to believe that the online and local encounters only began in February 2026.
The History of My Fetishes
The fetishes that drove these behaviors—CMNM (Clothed Male, Naked Male), social nudity/naturism, humiliation, and erotic massage—are things I have experienced for a long time. When I was single, I actively pursued these interests. However, when we committed to each other in 2019, I stopped. For years, I managed these desires within the boundaries of our relationship, finding safe, boundaried outlets through regular visits to regular (sometimes clothing optional) saunas, bathhouses, and onsens where nudity is naturally expected. During those years, I honored our commitment, and there were no secret apps, hidden accounts, or physical hookups.
The Escalation (February 2026)
In February of this year, my self-restraint failed, and I actively broke my own boundaries, crossing the line from fantasy into reality. I am still trying to fully understand why my boundaries collapsed when they did. I suspect it is a combination of porn escalation—where the fantasy requires more real-world elements and risks to remain stimulating—and using these sexual thrills as an unhealthy coping mechanism and escapism for stress.
My Accountability
I want to be absolutely clear: my actions were entirely selfish and driven by fantasy. They were not a reflection of my love for you, a desire to leave our marriage, or a pursuit of a romantic or emotional connection with anyone else. However, I know that telling you "I don't know exactly why I escalated" is not an acceptable or safe answer for you to hear. Because of this, I have booked an appointment with a therapist for this week.
Part 2A & 2B: Overview of Activities Related to Travel
(2019 – Present)
(Note: WH listed about 25 international trips here. I have omitted the trips where he claims "nothing happened" and only included the ones where he admits to something).
Nov 2021 (Family Visit overseas): Received a regular massage from a male masseuse at [Parlor A]. I was naked under the drapes, while the masseuse remained fully clothed. Walk-in.
April 2022 (Holiday overseas): Received a regular, professional massage from a male masseuse. They gave me loose shorts to wear. Walk-in.
Oct 2022 (Transiting overseas): In-call massage at a shared villa. Received a professional massage separately, right after my friend. I was naked under the drapes, but the massage was professional with no sexual contact.
Nov 2023 (Overseas): Visited [Parlor B]. Received a strictly professional massage from a male masseuse. I kept my underwear on, and there was absolutely no sexual contact or "happy ending."
April 2024 (Overseas): Visited [Parlor B]. Received a strictly professional massage. I was naked under drapes and he was fully clothed.
Oct 2024 (Group holiday): Received a professional full-body massage. I kept my underwear on, strictly professional with no sexual contact.
Jan - Feb 2025 (Overseas): Visited [Parlor C]. Received a vitality massage (massaging muscle and areas around the groin to promote blood flow) from a male masseuse. I was naked and the masseuse was fully clothed. No actions meant to lead to a happy ending. Also visited [Spa A], received massage/scrub naked while masseuse was clothed. No sexual advances.
April 2025 (Overseas trips): Visited [Parlor C] again for a vitality massage. Naked while masseuse was clothed. Visited [Spa B] with friends. Received a massage and a body scrub. Naked during the body scrub. Masseuse was fully clothed, strictly professional.
Oct 2025 (Work Trip in SE Asia):
Received a professional massage from a female masseuse. Absolutely no sexual contact.
Visited a sauna with male massage service. I received a sensual massage from a male masseuse who was topless and I was naked. He offered a happy ending but I refused and so there was no further sexual contact.
Visited a Gay sauna. I went to the sauna to observe and cruise. I walked around wearing a towel and watched others, but I had no sensual/sexual contact with anyone.
March 2026 (Overseas): Visited [Parlor A] and [Parlor C] for massages/scrubs. Naked under drapes, strictly professional.
April 2026 (Overseas): Visited [Spa A]. Received a 4-hands massage from two male masseuses. I was naked, and the masseuses were fully clothed. The massage was sensual but it did not lead to a happy ending. Also visited [Spa B], naked during services, no happy ending.
Part 3: Local and Online Activities
Online Messaging (Sniffies & Reddit)
Timeframe: February 2026 through May 2026.
Nature of Activity: Initially used Reddit to consume fetish content. Transitioned to using Sniffies anonymously to browse for local connections.
Exchanged explicit messages and images with multiple people for short-term chats. The images shared were strictly of my body parts; my face and our home were never visible. I also engaged in a long-term, ongoing explicit chat with a straight man in our neighborhood where we shared sexual fantasies.
Intent and Outcome: The intent was to fuel sexual fantasies. No actual physical meetings ever took place with anyone from these platforms. I never discovered the neighbor's true identity, and he never discovered mine. Concealed via burner emails.
Classified Ads and Meetups (Locanto)
Timeframe: Sometime after February 2026.
Nature of Activity: Posted a personal ad specifically seeking a "jerk mate."
Physical Encounters: Met with one person in real life at his home. The encounter lasted for 45 minutes immediately after work. The activity was strictly mutual masturbation (watching porn and jerking off together). No further communication occurred after this single meeting.
Local Massage Exchange (In Our City)
Timeframe: February 2026 to present (approximately 5 encounters in total). Account was created in 2018 but remained dormant until Feb 2026.
Nature of Activity: Reached out to a local man on a massage exchange platform. Moved to WhatsApp to coordinate. Engaged in a mutual massage exchange at his home (one hour receiving, one hour giving). When receiving, I was naked and he wore underwear; when giving, we were both completely naked. While there was no intentional touching of vital organs, the sessions were sensual and erotic. Over time, the encounters escalated from taking turns showering to showering together. No sexual discussions occurred outside of arranging the logistics of the massages, and no further sexual intentions aside from the sensual massage exchange
4 comments posted: Tuesday, July 14th, 2026
