Discovered Wife's Long-Term Affair 3 Months Ago

Hello everyone. I have been looking at this forum for months now, and reading a lot of other people's experiences with infidelity. I've wanted to share my story, but wasn't ready to write down details. I have been going to an individual therapist ever since I found out, which has been helpful, but obviously I am still incredibly depressed, angry, embarrassed, confused, and have no idea what I should be doing. However, maybe sharing my story can help me to make sense of what I am experiencing.

My wife and I have been together for over 20 years and married for almost 16 years of them. We have two young kids. I always felt like we had a great marriage despite the normal stresses of family, finances, and work. In the beginning of December, major cracks started to show when my wife called me from her job to give me a heads up that the wife of a co-worker is going to contact me and accuse my wife have having an inappropriate relationship with her husband. She found months of messages they were sending each other to be too personal for co-workers to be saying to each other. My wife defended herself and explained that the other woman was wrong and was completely misreading the friendship between my wife and her husband. I never felt my wife has ever been unfaithful, so I took her word for it but I was confused and suspicious since I was totally blindsided. I spoke with the other guy's wife, I confronted the husband, and my wife and I discussed it a lot for weeks. She apologized profusely saying she got too close with the co-worker and understood it was inappropriate that they shared too much with each other, but there was nothing romantic going on and she is stopping all communication with him. I asked if she has done this with anyone else, and she said "no," but I felt something was off when she answered.

So on Christmas after we got back from a party, she had been drinking a lot and fell asleep. Our conversation earlier had been bothering me, so I decided to go through her personal phone, emails, and work phone that night, something I have never done in our 20 years together, looking for evidence that she might or might not be telling me the truth... After an hour or two, I didn't find anything on her personal phone. But then I started searching her work phone and I ended up coming upon 5-6 emails with someone written fairly recently. I was absolutely floored and sickened by what I was reading.

They were incredibly romantic. Talking about how much they can't stop thinking about each other. How they are unhappy in their marriages and deserve to be together. Trying to be poetic and just overcome with love for each other (my wife is not poetic and has never been a very romantic person). They get more detailed and he mentions that he feels bad about the situation with the co-worker I thought I was investigating. How they can't believe it has been "14 years" together. I had no idea who this person was. The email address was a burner email with no info on them. So I woke her up and confronted her and she admitted she has been in an on-again-off-again relationship that started about 1 year after we got married with a former co-worker of hers. A person I used to be friendly with. A person that was at our wedding 16 years ago with his wife. A person I haven't thought about for years. She insists they never went past making out a few times, which happened 14 years ago, and that it has been an emotional affair. Something I have a hard time believing, and honestly doesn't make much of a difference. She lied to me throughout our whole marriage and was living a double life. She says she doesn't want to be with him, she wants to stay with me, which is not what her emails said.

I couldn't (and still can't) believe what I was hearing. I had no idea this was going on right under my nose, and for so long. Every memory we've made and milestone we've celebrated is now completely tainted. She was cheating on me throughout all of it. The day we closed on our house. The birth of our kids. Advancements in our careers. All of the trips we have gone on. The happiest moments in our lives, and she was messaging, emailing, calling and possibly meeting up with him and saying how much she loves him. Just horrifyingly deceptive and selfish actions from someone I had blind trust in.

So here I am now, not knowing what to do and where to go from here. We haven't told anyone aside from our therapists and marriage counselor. I haven't brought myself to leave, because then I am leaving all of the things I have worked hard for as well. I am very worried about our kids finding out and how this will affect them. I sleep in another bed and make sure to wake up before them so they don't see me in the spare bedroom. We still go to family functions together. I am not sure how long I can pretend we are still happily married. I am not sure if I can ever forgive and forget. So I am stuck here between not wanting to look or speak to her, but also being forced to so we can raise our kids, then we talk and fight after they go to sleep. As far as I can tell, they don't know what is going on. It's an incredibly depressing and confusing life we are living.

Right now, I feel nothing toward her but disappointment. I miss the life we had together but it was seemingly all a massive lie so it is difficult to look at her the same way.

I am curious how people with small children eventually decided to get a separation? How long did it take to decide? How is your relationship with your kids now? How hard was it on them to get a separation or divorce? What should I be doing now if I ultimately decide to get a divorce?

Thanks for reading. Sorry it is a long story. I am also sorry to everyone else going through this because it is awful and I have nothing but sympathy for you.

5 comments posted: Thursday, April 2nd, 2026