Shame and blaming myself

Has anyone else read The Betrayal Bind? I’m enjoying this book. Page 111. I’m definitely stuck in the grip of shame, not willing to tell anyone in my life about the affair or even get a counselor. I’m feeling more comfortable with divorce rather than telling others about the affair in order to try to heal these wounds. That seems unreasonable to me because my husband is a great person and I love him very much. I cry a lot thinking that he would be much happier if he just allowed himself the opportunity to find someone else that appreciates him more than I do. I feel a lot of resistance when I try to express my love for him. Btw I am the BS. He is the WH. I’m taking on most of the responsibility for the affair and I know I’m not supposed to do that and will be met with a lot of resistance here in this forum for trying to discuss this. However, I’m going to do so anyways and hopefully don’t get super-bashed because it seems like a really important issue to clear up.

I’ll try to oversimplify for the sake of time.

We were married very young. I met him when I was 15. My mom had become pregnant with me when she was 15 so my young childhood was all about safe sex and birth control. So I honestly felt very pressured by my mother in a weird way to have sex when I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. Well I chose my husband when I was 15. He seemed nice and harmless. I never intended to marry him but he became so crazy about me that I always felt guilty that I had rewired his young brain into crazy mode and after that I could never get away. I broke up with him repeatedly and never really wanted to get married. This is how our dysfunctional relationship starts. It was so difficult when we were young. He had severe abandonment issues (and undiagnosed celiac disease) and he clung to me for dear life. I was so overwhelmed and this was a long distance relationship between two kids. My parents moved around a lot. He never wavered, he loved me forever. My parents are not especially affectionate. Actually the opposite, quite critical. They didn’t like him but after 7 years of on again off again my mom decided it had been long enough and we should get married. We were just these stupid kids. I really didn’t want to marry him. He knew it. There was this other guy I wanted but he never would return my affection. I never could quite shake my now husband so I just gave up trying to. Our marriage was always just a low level disappointment but he adored me and tried desperately to make me happy. At some point I decided that true happiness is just an illusion and gave myself over to practical work and raising kids. We always have had an excellent sex life, we adore our children, we get along, rarely fight. In some ways it’s like a nicely arranged marriage.

But my family and his family are/were certainly dysfunctional. His dad was a cheater and abandoned my H when he was 11 years old. I shared his anger and disgust for his father and mine too. Ultimately just living in disgust of men in general for their piggish ways. I didn’t really appreciate my husband for how hard he tried and tried. He flirted with cashiers and ignored me sometimes. He just threw these tantrums and annoyed me. I was living my best life completely disinterested in him. Happily raising my wonderful children and spending time with friends. He worked all the time and wouldn’t ever stop working to help at home so I just moved on without him. Basically raising the kids alone. He complained constantly and I just learned to tune him out. He’d never take my advice.

Then he meets with a series of setbacks over the course of a few years and he just loses his mind. He became so intolerable and started complaining so much about my family and my sister that I felt like I had to choose between them or him (they were all horrible) so 2016 I chose him and estranged from my family. That was the hardest most terrible thing I’ve ever experienced. My family revolted and it was WWIII for 5 years trying to "choose my husband and our family " over them. I was devastated and depressed. Looking back I now wonder if the estrangement was his fault too.

2016 His mom dies and he just snaps. 2017 He gets injured at work and can’t work for three months. I start talking to an old boyfriend that didn’t end well in high school. It was never a physical relationship with that guy, just flirting. But my husband goes into a jealous rage. 2019 he starts cheating. Three months later he gets another terrible health diagnosis. He just never takes care of himself. All these things are just pushing him to the edge.

He moves out and files for divorce. This is where my parents step back in to help me get a divorce after they had been 100000% evil for 5 years. I was completely devastated and confused and hopeless. I’d had no job for 20 years. After 3 months I convinced him to come home and I started working. Then COVID and I was home again with the kids. Then we get the celiac diagnosis and his dad dies.

For these three years he acted like a complete a hole but it was just slightly worse than before anyway. The complaining was incessant. We started talking about divorce. I accused him of cheating. He said "I wish I was cheating!!!" Lies! He was cheating! Three years of that shit but I was busy with the kids as always and honestly getting even more done because he was checked out. I hired a gardener and various contractors and just gave up asking him for help.

Then one day, 2022 shortly before DDay his old affectionate self returned. I had missed him. The alien that I’d been living with was gone.

Honestly I don’t think I even have the right to be angry or upset. Our marriage has always been a complete disaster. Even now he refuses to end it. He refuses to agree that the marriage is a disaster. I feel trapped by his never ending devotion. The point is that I don’t feel innocent in this situation but maybe I still am. Living with him has always been so so hard and I’m always just trying to survive.

I’ve now been working full time for two years. I appreciate that we are more financially secure than ever before, but I still feel we are on shaky ground. We are supporting 3 kids in college and getting divorced will jeopardize their financial stability. These children have been my entire life and I’m not willing to injure them although I fear I’m doing that anyway because now I’m so preoccupied with yet another mental health crisis.

I feel like I absolutely can’t win. What do you think?

1 comment posted: Saturday, May 31st, 2025

Nothing but doubt

A lot has happened since I first posted a few weeks ago. My H called his employer and filed a report against the OW and now they’ve escalated the case to EEOC. I feel good about that. But I also feel uneasy because I feel like our case has a lot of elements that don’t quite fit in the typical affair scenario and I doubt myself a lot as to whether my rationale is solid or if I’m just lying to myself. I hate doubt. I have a lot of it. I feel like I always have had tons of doubt and that it goes all the way back to our wedding day 25.5 years ago. I just wasn’t ready to get married and probably never will be. My mom was the one that decided we’d been dating long enough. I have this really overbearing mother that ran my life before. Then I got this husband and I ran his. Only I didn’t want to but he never took initiative or made his own choices either. We were just these kids letting other people tell us what to do. That’s why when he first told me about the affair I immediately knew that he had nothing to do with it. He wasn’t the type to make any kind of decisions, especially not something of that magnitude. I knew he’d been duped and it made me so freaking angry because he is such a pushover letting overbearing women push him around. Maybe I’m the only one that sees it like this and maybe I’m wrong.

My husband isn’t weak. He protected me from this OW for as long as he could while she was threatening him and blackmailing him and stalking him for three years. I have no problem believing that women do this. I’ve met plenty of women that think they can do whatever they want to get what they want. It makes me mad that he wouldn’t call her out for the manipulative person she was. That he believed her lies and her seduction and then was too afraid of her threats for far too long. That he could be swept away by a witches brew. It’s so obvious to me how these trampy women operate.

I guess I’m still blaming myself because I married the sweet dope in the first place. I knew he was dumb. I got tired of always being the brains, making all the decisions. In some ways I’m really proud of him that he finally found his way out of that prison all by himself and he did try to leave me out of it. But I fear that my constantly condescending attitude is very damaging and might have contributed to his low self esteem that allowed him to fall prey to flattery and lies.

He was very physically ill only you couldn’t see it from the outside and he was so used to the brain fog and daily discomfort and depression that it had become our normal and it was so awful . I’m grateful everyday that we realized he is celiac. He is trying everyday to make up for all the time and energy we lost before..

I told him I want a post-nuptial agreement and he agreed. I’ve told him I want a very detailed financial budget. Something I’ve wanted for 25 years. That I want to put my financial fears to rest once and for all. And he contacted a few financial planners yesterday and some lawyers for the post-nup. I’m feeling pretty good. He’s definitely doing new things that I’ve wanted for many years. So I’m feeling hopeful for now.

I don’t want to be the type of woman that uses my husband for financial stability. I don’t want to be in the same category as an adulteress that would repeatedly prey on married men and threaten them for money. Sometimes it’s really horrible to be in this vulnerable position where you devoted your entire life to raising children and you have no financial security whatsoever. It’s a tough place to be but I’m lucky because my husband loves me dearly and he’s willing to give me everything so that I would feel secure. Only what if it doesn’t work?

3 comments posted: Friday, May 23rd, 2025

First time here.

Hi all. After 3.5 years of solitude just crying and suffering alone, I am here for friendship and support. I posted my story in my profile if you care to read it. I know it’s not a perfect story, there are parts missing and it’s messy, but hopefully, together, with your help, I can sort the rest of it out and feel better. We have not been to any therapy or read many books. I am grateful because prior to all of this I was not new to therapy and self help. I’ve read about 30 books about alcoholism and I have healed most of my childhood trauma. There was a lot of that. Now it’s just this. I should be optimistic but sometimes I’m really not. I’m tired and I need help.

8 comments posted: Saturday, May 10th, 2025