SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 4 months since finding out about my WH's EAs. Things move forward, life continues on, and the EAs were starting to feel more distant, but my heart is always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I wonder if I am being too controlling now, telling my WH he's not allowed to see certain people or go to certain places. Have I lost my mind in the process of trying to find it? I'm not entirely sure what my expectations are anymore. Everything seems like a mess of boundaries, more mistakes, and pain. I suppose I just expect him to be a decent human being, someone who is respectful and cares about his family.
Every week, it seems, I find out something else that reopens the wound. But, instead of getting sad, I seem to be getting angrier and angrier. The slightest thing will set me off, and I am yelling and telling him I want a divorce. Perhaps I do.
He had told me he was going to book into therapy, but he didn't- that is, until I lost it. He told me he would order "Not just Friends", he didn't- until I lost it (which by the way is sitting untouched on the coffee table. "I'll start tomorrow," he keeps telling me).
Last week, my WH had to run out to meet a friend before our camping trip. My WH told me he would only be 20 minutes- just there and back. An hour later, he calls stating that he was on his way home, and that he wanted to chat with his buddy a bit as he hasn't been hanging out with him. I asked him where he was and he told me that he was at the casino. Now, the Casino was a place that I asked him not to attend anymore, especially with this friend in particular. For obvious reasons, as well as the fact that this is where he and his EAP would meet up while he was out with this friend. I immediately flew off the handle. It was a mistake. I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't have any drinks, and there were no girls there.
While camping last weekend with childhood friends of mine, we were all at a restaurant. Who walks in, this friend with his gf alongside one of the EAPs (see this EAP is best friends with said friends GF). My WH was thrilled to see them all and ran over to greet them and embrace them. I found it strange that this group would be in the same city as us, at the same restaurant. But he says he had no idea they were there. On the way out, his EAP came over and was talking about work she needed done at her complex, which is when I realized this woman was still in his life and would continue to be.
Then yesterday, he called me and confessed he had gone to a pub to meet his buddy who was in town with his new gf. Fine. The issue is that the pub they met at is where one of his EAPs best friends work. This best friend was a big part of the problem, enabling the EAP, as well as facilitating it. Again, I lost my mind. I've never been much of a yeller, or someone grumpy and angry... but this whole situation has changed my brain chemistry. She (the EAPs best friend) asked him why he took her off his socials, and he disclosed that I made him because I felt that she did not respect our marriage. Again, I lost it. I just cannot for the life of me understand how these things continue to happen. I feel like it is a complete lack of respect for our marriage, myself, and my feelings. He felt proud for telling her that I felt she had disrespected our marriage and wanted me to praise him. Yet, he went somewhere I asked him specifically not to go, full well knowing that the best friend was there, and decided to have a conversation with her about how I FELT she disrespected our marriage. On top of all of this, while camping, another woman he was being flirtatious with, who he was supposed to block, messaged him Happy birthday. He responded, "Thanks babe" and deleted the message. Every time I get upset and every time he begs me to forgive him that he has just "made a mistake" and that I am overreacting. How many mistakes can one person make before it is just pure ignorance in the guise of a mistake?
I feel like I am going crazy. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I am so sick and tired of his bs. I have complete disdain for him; he's turned this loving, carefree, trusting woman into a complete disaster. Am I overreacting or is this absolute crap?! Am I being overly sensitive here or do I have grounds to be upset? I know sometimes there will be things out of his control that happen, but I feel these things were very much in his control and decisions he made.

Oh honey, you're four months into the most horrifying discovery of your life and he's..... out getting shitfaced at a casino?

Time to put on your bitch boots and get your divorce papers drawn up. You're young enough to recover and have a nice life.

I had to do it at 55, and the first few years were tough, but it's way better than having to constantly second-guess a relentless gaslighting cheater.

Big hugs, you can do it. We can help. Just don't ever tell him about this place, it's your sanctuary.

Onward.

Agree with FaithFool your WH does not care how you feel about it otherwise he wouldn’t do it. The fact he still acknowledges this EAP is so disrespectful to you and your M. I also think he enjoys your reactions to this. It allows him to paint you as the crazy unstable one when it would do that to any of us.

Since he is not making any changes in himself or supporting you I would start planning my exit. There are people out there that would never treat you this way.

You are not losing it for no reason your WH is causing it.

I had to save myself my sanity from XWS. I left when I was 47 it was the best decision I have made. I have peace of mind from the mind games my XWS played on me. You deserve better.

I don't know if you're losing your mind, but I do know that infidelity is crazy-making shit. See my username? I didn't chose it to funny or cute. I honestly felt truly unhinged.

Four months out is still very early. I think it took me a good ten months just to recover from the shock of it all. Don't be too hard on yourself. For most people, surviving infidelity is the most difficult and challenging period of our lives.

Infidelity isn't a mistake; it's a choice (a long series of bad choices, actually). Turning left when you should have turned right is a mistake. Breaking marriage vows is a deliberate decision. Don't accept your WH's bullshit about "mistakes."

If you're willing to give reconciliation a chance, kept in mind that it's a gift we offer to our wayward spouses. What they choose to do with the opportunity will tell you whether or not they're reconciliation material.

Step-back and detach from your WH. Focus on you, your recovery and healing. For most us, it takes years to even begin to heal. Be gentle with yourself.

Check SI's "Healing Library." There are fantastic articles written by veteran members which will help guide you through these early phases.

***

Weekends are generally slow around here, this one in particular being 4th of July (not a Canadian thing, of course). Don't be discouraged by a lack of responses to your thread. I'm sure more of our members will be available next week.

It's called betrayal trauma for a reason - it is trauma. You are not being too controlling right now. If your WH wants R, then he should be moving heaven & earth to show he's working on becoming a safe partner.

telling my WH he's not allowed to see certain people or go to certain place

I did the same thing. I had a written list of certain things, such as he could be alone in a room with certain people. The list included me, two of his sisters that I mentioned by name, our DIL and one named niece. If he was at break or lunch, and the only other person there was female, he was to FaceTime me. Well, he decided to go off-list and was inappropriate with somebody, so he's now XWH.

The anger can be scary, can't it? I'd have these waves of anger from the depths of my being well up and words would come out from a place that I didn't recognize.

He isn't making a mistake, he's making conscious decisions to do what he's doing (going places he shouldn't) or not doing (setting up counseling appointments).

Am I overreacting or is this absolute crap?! Am I being overly sensitive here or do I have grounds to be upset?

Not overreacting. He is disrespecting your wishes and minimizing your pain so that he doesn't have to change. What good is it to keep saying "I'm sorry" if nothing changes? The fact that he doesn't take action until you lose it or threaten divorce also speaks volumes about his disregard. I went through something similar. In the end, there's only one person whose actions you can control: yours. Make the decision to stand up for yourself and stop letting him erode your boundaries. Your anger is understandable. Use it to propel action and walk away, otherwise, as long as you keep giving him more chances, he will keep taking advantage of them.

Like others have said, you’re not crazy. You are setting boundaries that you need to feel safe and to begin to rebuild trust. He is blowing past them and waiting to see if he can get away with doing nothing differently than before. My WH was/is just like this.

Right now, he doesn’t have any intention of actually changing. He makes promises rather than take action. When you call him on it, he promises again. He has probably done things before that you (or his mom or another authority figure) have been upset about and he just waited it out, kept on doing what he wanted, and let things blow over so he didn’t actually have to do anything that he didn’t want to do.

With my WH this was a lifelong pattern. He did whatever the hell he wanted, in spite of my objections, in spite of the damage that it caused. His philosophy was full steam ahead and apologize later if you get caught. What he wanted or felt comfortable with was/is the ultimate value.

So does it feel like he’s prioritizing your pain over what he’s done, or his own fun or comfort or ease? He has seen that you’re devastated by his actions, but he’s still cruising right along calling women babe, hanging with a former EAP right in front of you, hiding inconvenient information like the fact that she’s still in his circle, going places he’s promised he wouldn’t that he knows are triggering because "he didn’t think it was a big deal."

He knows what he’s doing. He knows what you’ve said you need. He’s CHOOSING to continue doing these things. He doesn’t really believe that he needs to or will have to change. He believes that you’re going to eventually get over it or get tired of watching him or of fighting over it. I had to ask myself why my WH believed that he could get away with that after having an A and realized that he had been doing that his whole life and our whole marriage.

I too expected my WH to see the devastation and be horrified and really get it. I expected that when I voiced my clear expectation that he would never disrespect me again, that he would put his family and making amends first, and that he would cease any and all wayward behaviors and especially LYING immediately, that he would understand that this was different from other times when I’d be angry with him over minor things.

He didn’t. He thought he could do what he’d always done. He didn’t feel that ultimately he’d need to change. He didn’t want to change. It made him too uncomfortable. My WH is a people pleaser (except with me, obviously, lol). He couldn’t bear the idea of not being everybody’s buddy and trying to get everybody to like him.

Your WH doesn’t sound like he believes he’s going to have to change. He seems to think that all he has to do is say what you want him to without any intention of actually doing the extremely difficult work of changing his internal self. He is still engaged in wayward behavior, and he is still lying, hiding and sneaking like a 14-year-old rebelling against his mom’s rules.

From sad experience, I’ll tell you that he will do this as long as he can. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that I wish I had drawn an absolute line immediately over lying, hiding, sneaking, and having any contact with people that he engaged in inappropriate behaviors with, including friends who encouraged or accompanied him in that behavior.

I’m really sorry that he has taken this route. I know how disrespectful and infuriating it feels. I know how disorienting it feels when you believe that he gets what he’s done and really loves and wants to protect his family, only to realize that he really is a stranger. I wish you peace and strength. This shit is truly the worst.

He had told me he was going to book into therapy, but he didn't- that is, until I lost it. He told me he would order "Not just Friends", he didn't- until I lost it (which by the way is sitting untouched on the coffee table. "I'll start tomorrow," he keeps telling me).

He’s done nothing you have asked. 🚩🚩🚩in my book.

I’ve been down this path. First 4 year EA my H refused to admit was going on. This made it very easy for him to cheat a 2nd time. But after dday1 and dday2 of affair 2 I refused to let him rug sweep and just "pretend" nothing happened.

Without remorse, most likely your H will continue to cheat and not respect your requests. He will continue to disrespect you.

And he will continue to lie to you as he has been doing.

Going to a casino? Talk to a friend at said casino? IMO that can be done at a coffee shop or restaurant.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library here st SI. Then do it.

Boundaries are about what you'll do if someone else does what you don't want them to do. You don't have the power to keep your WS away from his eaps. You do have the power to impose sanctions if he doesn't stay away.

One of the paramount requirements for R is 'NC' - no contact with aps. Breaking NC is a giant red flag.

The primary requirement for R is honesty. You say your WS makes commitments and then ignores them until you make yourself sick and show anger intense enough to get your WS to do what he promised.

Right now, he's a lousy candidate for R. I, too, think it's time to lawyer up. If you're not ready for that, the simplified 180 - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/?ap=1 - may help. It's usually very difficult to decide to end an M, and the simplified 180 can help a BS see the best path to choose.

I'm really sorry your WS is such a jerk.