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I joined SI in December 2024, not long after my BS discovered my three EAs. I was in a bad place and desperately needed help. I’m really grateful I found SI—it gave me access to information, helped me understand importance of writing timelines an telling the truth, and pushed me to dig into my real "whys." Even though I only posted a couple of times back in January, I’ve been more of a lurker since then. I especially found posts by Hiking Out to be incredibly helpful. After reading Pippin's post about how we use SI, I figured it was time to share a little update about my past six months.

In the early days after D-Day, I’ll be honest—I handled things terribly. I was stuck in TT and kept hiding things. It took reading others’ posts here for me to realize just how much damage that was doing. Even when I started being more honest, I had already done some pretty despicable things to cover up the truth.

One example: before D-Day, I had told my wife about a woman at work who hit on me—but I lied and said I shut it down immediately, when I actually kept flirting. A few weeks after D-Day, my wife found call logs to that woman and asked me to request copies of messages I had sent her. Instead of doing that, I secretly texted the OW asking her *not* to send them. I did come clean to my wife about what I had done around 10 minutes later and then properly asked the OW to send the messages. My wife later said that while the messages themselves were hurtful, what really crushed her was the extreme lengths I went to hide them.

The next day, I finally wrote out a full timeline and shared it. Looking back, there are so many things I did that were just plain cruel. For example, I overshared with a work colleague about every little fight or issue I was having with my wife. Those conversations weren’t sexual, but they definitely crossed a line, especially so soon after being caught texting APs. My lack of self-awareness back then still baffles me.

Since then, it’s been a rollercoaster. I joined a church, and both of us are in individual counselling. One thing I’ve discovered is how my past, especially childhood sexual abuse, damaged my self-worth and created this craving for external validation—particularly validation about my desirability and sexual appeal. Hiking Out recommended Brene Brown’s *Daring Greatly*, which I read, and it really helped me see how I use daydreaming as an escape. I also started meditating, which made me realize how little control I had over my impulses—even with things like snacks. I definitely relate to what Brene calls the "pu pu platter of addictions"—not one overwhelming addiction, but enough of different ones to raise concern.

These months have been the hardest of our lives. Yes, I have made progress. IC has helped me confront my whys and develop more self-awareness. I’m starting to see how I’ve weaponized victimhood, avoided hard emotions, and used fantasy to escape instead of face things head-on. I’ve tried to deal with triggers honestly and stop rug-sweeping. I’ve had tough conversations, even if I sometimes thought they were tougher than they actually were.

That said, I’ve stumbled too. For instance, I recently shared some info with my family without consulting my wife. My first instinct was to defend myself, but later I called my parents and reinforced boundaries.

These last few days have been especially hard because of strong triggers caused by something I haven’t shared with anyone besides my therapist and my BS. One of the APs—I took her to dinner and asked to kiss her, and while she said no and nothing physical happened, this was just weeks after my wife had lost a pregnancy. That was unforgivable, and I carry deep shame about it. My wife is now trying to get pregnant again, and I know it’s stirred up a lot of that old pain for her.

She’s said before that she doesn’t feel I show remorse. Her view is that I only bring up the affairs when something triggers it. I know I feel remorse, and I believe that changed behaviour is the best way to show it. But I understand now that remorse isn't just internal—it’s something that needs to be expressed, consistently and without prompting.

We haven’t made any final decisions about our marriage, so there’s no talk of MC yet. I’ve stayed committed to honesty, no-contact with all APs, and continuing the work. I know I’m not the ideal candidate for reconciliation—not yet anyway—but I’m trying to grow and stay consistent.

I’d really appreciate hearing your thoughts. What does remorse look like to you? How do you feel it and show it?

Thanks for reading.

I am glad you felt brave enough to share. It’s incredibly difficult to admit things we are not proud of.

So for me, at six months in, my barrier from showing or even feeling remorse more deeply is shame. I often recommend the book "rising strong" by brene brown. It sounds like I should read "daring greatly"! But try "rising strong" because it’s about overcoming shame to be in our vulnerability and I think it sounds like a good juncture for you to try that book too.

Guilt is how we feel about what we have done. I see guilt clearly in your post. Shame is not a feeling but an indictment on ourselves. When we are guilty we see we did a bad or wrong thing. Shame is the idea that we ourselves are bad. I also see that in your post.

It’s my opinion there are bad people in the world, but I think often they do not really feel guilt or shame. The rest of us are a mixture of light and dark, and it’s simply our job to try and be more of the light.

Which brings me to remorse. Remorse can be experienced best when we have resolved some of our toxic shame issues. Remorse would be being able to describe the feelings that you instilled in her, to be so aware of those things that you are vigilant to protect her from more.

It’s not that I don’t think you feel some remorse, but when we are overcome with shame it can feel so painful to us to really face what we have done. So we avoid, we hide, we have the thoughts and don’t share them. Often I remember feeling what could words matter with what I did, I am going to focus on actions. But that was a mistake because it really still allowed me to hide.

What I did with my therapist was traced the evolution of my shame. And it started with the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. And we are talking it started when I was four or five. That seed of shame just grew and grew over the years. It spoke of what I didn’t deserve. It made me weird and sexually precocious. It taught me to use my sexuality as a means of having someone like me.

And as I started processing all these events and seeing them for what they were it became obvious to me the ways I had formed around that ball of shame. Unwinding all that gave me better space to begin holding for my husband.

A remorse statement about how you cheated shortly after your wife’s miscarriage, would involve being able to express the feelings she holds about that. Not just recognition was a terrible thing to do.

So, what I would do in those cases is understand yourself on why you did it instead of landing on the shame which makes the only explanation be that you are rotten to the core.

For example, one thing I have noticed in my patterns towards escapism and external validation is that I act out the most when I am in pain. Could it be possibly that you were unable to manage your grief so you used (in the addiction sense)?

Think and reflect on that, don’t use it as a defense towards her because she doesn’t need for you to make this more about you. But the point is to have that point of self compassion in which you allow room for your experience and understand it as a pattern that can be worked on, explored, changed. You will find that having that understanding (whatever the truth is, I inserted one that may or may not be correct), that now you can tolerate feeling the empathy of what that must have been like for her. What thoughts and feelings did she have?

It’s hard sometimes to admit that we made another feel like nothing. Unimportant. Dehumanized. Also that we failed to show up for what should have been a shared experience that could have strengthened the connection you want to share with her.

Recognize empathy comes from processing and understanding our own feelings. What we are able to recognize in another is what we can recognize in ourselves.

Same with self compassion. Have you ever noticed people who are highly critical of others are highly critical of themselves? And the people who are highly empathetic and good at connection- they have a good relationship with themselves.

So the key is if you can empathize and be compassionate with yourself, then you can be that for others. That wall of shame has to be deconstructed, board by board, it has to be soothed and seen from a more objective standpoint. And then it lets the light in, and we can be the light for others whom we love.

The other step is to start learning how to cope the next time and keep practicing new ways to cope that enrich your lives rather than steal from them.

So, for me, exercise is important when I am stressed especially. Being in nature. Nurturing friendships. And increasing my spiritual life. I did not join a church because I have a bitter taste in my mouth about organized religion, stemming from my CSA experiences. But I do place my life in Gods hands and surrender to Him. I will call on his presence and picture him holding me until I am calm, basking in the unconditional love and inherent worthiness He provides me. And it fills me so fully I have it for others. Spirituality to me above all else is being still and listening to what He wants me to know.

So now when something comes up that is hard, I don’t act out, I get still. I am reflective. Shame would have said of course I had this coming. Love says these things are all happening for me if I listen to the lessons.

Anyway, it’s not unusual for being six months out not to have a full picture of remorse. Your lengths to cover your tracks was rooted in shame. Giving her proof of who you really are (bad) is terrifying.

But standing up as a man and doing what you are trying to do tells me that you are not all bad. You just need to get some internal balance and learn to embrace and celebrate your good. What we focus on expands. Keep focusing on the right things and you will find your path. There is richness in the journey.

You are devinely loved and inherently worthy, go make yourself proud. What you are describing is the normal beginning of the work. What lies beyond the work is a peace you didn’t realize you were capable of holding. And when you get there you will be an asset to a partner in life rather than a liability. It all happens by making the next right choice. You have started that, keep going we are rooting for you!!!

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:06 PM, Thursday, May 29th]

Thank you, Hiking Out, for your reply. First off, I made a mistake — the book you recommended and I read was Rising Strong. In my earlier message, I mentioned Daring Greatly, but I’ve actually been reading so much of Brené’s work lately that I mixed up the titles. I’m currently reading Atlas of the Heart as well, and somewhere along the way I just got them tangled. So thank you for recommending Rising Strong — it really made an impact. I’ve got to admit: before my D-Day, I didn’t have much time or respect for self-help books — I actually looked down on them. But since then, those very books have been a lifeline for me. Another humbling lesson, I guess.

Remorse can be experienced best when we have resolved some of our toxic shame issues. Remorse would be being able to describe the feelings that you instilled in her, to be so aware of those things that you are vigilant to protect her from more.

Reading Rising Strong and the posts here on SI helped me start to understand toxic shame and vulnerability. But it was your quote above that really hit something deeper. It made me realise that everything I’ve been doing — IC, spirituality, self-help — while important, can still fall flat if I’m not speaking directly to the harm I caused. Like DaddyDom says, without "owning my affairs and actions," it’s hollow. I see now how my silence and avoidance were still ways of hiding, even if I told myself I was changing.

Thank you for sharing your evolution around shame. I haven’t yet done trauma-specific therapy for my CSA, but everything I’ve read — including your posts — points to a truth I’ve been slowly uncovering: the people-pleasing, the need to be sexually desirable, the victim mindset, the subtle manipulation... I’ve carried those behaviours for years.

I’ve also been reading Pia Mellody’s work on emotional immaturity. It’s hard to face, but strangely comforting. Seeing myself in all five traits — poor boundaries, low self-esteem, difficulty expressing needs, emotional dysregulation, and not owning my reality — makes me feel like I can finally name how I’ve been all this time. Even though I didn’t end up with classic signs like addiction or acting out sexually, the wounds from CSA are still very much there, and I’m only now beginning to see and heal them.

Actually, just today in my journal, I had a realisation. Once I set the shame aside, I saw how I’ve had a pattern of avoidance and unreliability from me, especially during hard moments in our marriage, including, the pregnancy journey. But instead of communicating or holding space, I cheated. That’s me acting out. There are other reasons too, and I know I still have more work ahead to understand them.

That brings me to something else you said. I completely get what you mean about not using my trauma or background as a defence. There really is no excuse, and none would be enough anyway. But here’s where I feel stuck — my BS keeps saying that I must hate her because of what I did. I keep saying I don’t, but I know my actions scream otherwise. How do I navigate this without making it about me? I realise I need to let go of the outcome and maybe I need to accept that. But I’d still appreciate your thoughts.

The other step is to start learning how to cope the next time and keep practicing new ways to cope that enrich your lives rather than steal from them

I'm learning to self-soothe by talking to God when I feel triggered or overwhelmed. It’s been a grounding thing for me. One of the other things I hope to learn in all this is what I actually enjoy — hobbies, interests, just something. Right now, I honestly don’t know. And I’d also like to finally build real friendships. But I’ll save that for another post.

Thanks again, Hiking Out. Your insight is always appreciated. And if you have any book or article recommendations on empathy, I’d love to hear them.