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A recent thing happened where WS didn't tell me about an activity until a few weeks after it become a regular occurrence. This activity was a point of contention a year ago, but I've moved out, and I wouldn't care as much today (I found out via shared financial records, and he owned up to it). That said, his hiding it for a few weeks bothers me because it indicates that he's still acting from a place of fear of consequences.

Where is the line between anxiety and cowardice? It takes courage to face up to your actions, especially when you know that you've done something wrong (morally speaking) or hurtful. The more I think about WS's behavior during his LTA and in 2.5 years since, the more I feel like he's a big chicken. He is so afraid of upsetting me that he'd rather just avoid confrontation. After dday2, he deleted his secret message stash (the one with his AP) because he was terrified of the consequences of me finding out. This meant that later on, he couldn't prove he was telling the truth about some of my questions.

He definitely has an anxious attachment style, but I think that's separate from a lack of courage to own up to his behavior. The former means he needs a lot of reassurance that he is loved and appreciated, which comes from insecurity about himself. The latter is driven more by fear of loss, which I interpret as wanting to avoid pain/discomfort. Is it fair to call this cowardice? Is someone who sneaks around fundamentally working from an unhealthy relationship with fear?

I think fear plays a large part in many As. I believe my W had a fear of whatever is in front of her.

She's very strong intellectually, and she had no trouble shutting down men, but emotionally and socially, she had no way to confront any new challenge - like a woman who was intent on seducing her. W was just afraid to say 'No.' And once she complied at one time, fear of exposure (by ow) kept her in the A. She really damaged her health, and fear of the consequences to her health was the catalyst for ending her A.

She's a lot less afraid of saying 'No' now.

IMO, you've identified a big problem that needs to be resolved by your WS. He's the only one who can do the work. Is he committed?

*****

IMO, there's a big payoff to conquering fear of conflict. Doing so allows a person to avoid something they don;t want and negotiate how to get something they do want.

*****

I'm OK calling it 'cowardice.' But I obviously was willing to R with someone who adopted courage and gave up the cowardice. Courage, after all, isn't the absence of fear - it's saddling up despite the fear, as a former SIer used to say.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:35 PM, Sunday, May 4th]

Lots of cowardice in all WS. Cowards for not confronting their own issues. For not being honest with their BS, especially after DDAY. cowards for not committing to R or going to therapy.