SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I try to post every now and again just in case it will help anyone to read this sort of thing.

Things are generally peaceful in the little apartment. We have nice things, many of which we got in very fortuitous ways. it’s clean and generally orderly.

As an example, I had been wanting a replacement espresso maker because the one I cleaned and repaired that was given to me we have had for almost 3 years and it wasn’t new to begin with. F wanted a coffee grinder. Yesterday I found an almost new espresso machine, a barely used grinder, and $$$ of accessories while out of town for an appointment F had. I messaged the person who had the machine and they said it was sold (no wonder at the price they were asking). The they messaged me back and said the person had changed their mind. We met about 10 minutes from where we were and I have an almost new espresso setup with everything someone could want including things I don’t even know how to use like a bottomless portafilter haha.

Some of the details of what a blessing this was and how it came about I will post in the prayer thread to keep this one from becoming religious. But my short version is that the person did not want this stuff. They were well aware of its value and deliberately dropped the price extremely low. And I gratefully accepted the blessing and added it to many more I have received since no longer being with exwh. It is as if there is more room for good things with him not in my life. More peace. More order. More blessings.

I mention the material things because by the end of the divorce process most of that was gone. I was sleeping and sitting on the floor and had lost my home. But I was free of infidelity.

Recently F (fiance) took off work and took me to one of the top medical centers in the country for my cardiac follow up.
And the results were that I am apparently inexplicably currently free of the life-threatening heart problems I started experiencing several years ago when exwh was deep in the affair. I recently found out about something called broken heart syndrome, and it made me wonder if there was any connection.

My recurrence of the (rare) breast tumor that came back during the abusive divorce process from the first time I had it (during and after EXWH’s cheating episode 1) was apparently managed with the surgery I had recently, and the reports from the tests say it is not currently cancer. I recently found out there is a connection between breast tumors and stress too. And I believe it in my case.

I did everything I knew how to do and much more than I should have to try to save my ex marriage. It failed. But I am so grateful to not still be caught in that vortex of chaos and pain.

I am still making progress paying down the unjust divorce debt.

I am working to heal emotionally, financially, and spiritually. From where I stand, unrepentant liars lie and unrepentant cheaters cheat unless they decide to do the hard work it takes to change. More often than we wish, they can seemingly get away with it. I would like to believe the world is just. So this is all still very painful for me.

Nonetheless, a lot of good has happened to me since exwh abandoned me and told me he would destroy me if I left him. I don’t think that the infidelity trauma is good or that it makes me stronger. It just traumatized me. But the sun is shining today.

Some people can reconcile. Exwh was not a candidate because he had no intention of being sexually or otherwise faithful to me. Nonetheless, lately I have been challenging myself to wake up every day ask myself an important question, "How can I do so well in my life as to make what exwh did to me irrelevant."

I wish fellow survivors on this site much peace and healing and many blessings.

Wow what a great goal, Shehawk! I like that question!!!

So glad your health is better, Shehawk. I'm glad you were also blessed with the espresso maker and other goodies. Your posts in NB are very helpful for wondering if life after D is worth it. Your life after D is priceless.

What a great positive update. Life after D comes with challenges but you have just tackled them one by one and are truly thriving. Your health improvements speak to that so clearly.

Congratulations and thank you for posting. It is important for the newly S/D to see how wonderful life can be post-A, D, or S.

Isn't it amazing how your health improves after the toxicity is gone. Since leaving xWS I have lost weight and am on the road to healing my health. I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure and now have got those under control. I no longer are on medications for mood stabilization or depression. In fact I have no more depression. I do believe the things we have gone through take a toll on the body and mind.

So glad you are healthy and healing and that life is on the up and up. Blessings to you! What a fabulous update!

"How can I do so well in my life as to make what exwh did to me irrelevant."

Everyday I wake up in my new amazing life he becomes more and more irrelevant. Just us thriving and loving our new life makes them irrelevant

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:51 PM, Wednesday, April 9th]

Great update! Here's hoping for good things for you.

Thanks for the well wishes!

I do pop in from time to time just in case someone needs to read what peace, order and hoping to get to happiness feel like.

When things don’t go to plan people adjust.. Things changed with a planned vacation with a little mini cruise to the keys and Bahamas. F has new work responsibilities that preclude going this week. No one screamed, yelled, or acted entitled or particularly put out. Adjustments were made. No drama. Life happens. Sure I would love to see Hemingway’s cats again but seriously I am a grown-up and can deal with being disappointed in a mature way :)

There upset in one of our family member’s life related to brutal infidelity..cold calculated and money grabbing as in getting someone to pay for an expensive education while cheating and planning to exit taking significant assets and leaving significant debt. There is also serious health issues in extended family. We booked coaching to get some outside support on how best to deal with this given our own historys, triggers etc. and we are both showing up for the sessions and listening to the therapist’s perspective. Hmm imagine that.

We have a system in place for paying bills, budgeting, sharing mental and household labor and making sure we don’t have the chaos of things like running out of coffee creamer (put on list and or order when the last one is opened for most items.). No one complains about that being rigid or controlling or not spontaneous.

We both make substantial contributions to the well being of each other. No one bad mouths the other. No one avoids work or wastes time, money or emotional resources on random affairs partners. How refreshing.

Progress is being made towards paying off the divorce debt caused by the lies, misrepresentations and asset theft and hiding in my D. It’s not fair. I still carry emotional, physical and financial and spiritual scars. I have figured out the secret sauce of being able to get a healthy night’s sleep thank God literally. I have food to eat and a place to sleep out of the elements. And I am free of infidelity.

Coping strategies are relatively healthy. Mistakes are generally owned, and there is an absence of negative coping skills like gaslighting, lying or generally being an AH. No one is a drama llama or an attention-seeking (well fill in the word of your choice).

I have come to believe there is something substantially different with the way people who will cheat and those who will not handle their relationships and lives (in the current sense since people can and do change).

Sure, we fail to do things (like the tank only has 29 miles of gas left in it or we discover that the baking powder expired the year before last). Nonetheless, life goes on. It’s amazing what can be accomplished when there is not one person sucking up all the oxygen in the room…

I launched a new project that I hope will increase my cash flow. And I have been practicing subtly not giving a (again pick the explicative of your choice) about what people think of me or what I am doing. I am not doing anything controversial but the fact that I have worked steadily and provided for many people in many ways since I was in my early teens led to a few so called friends being jealous of the fact I was budgeting, living within my means and not struggling. I happened to find out some of the things that were said about me and not only do I not give a rat’s left rear toenail about what they think, I also will not be taking them out to eat or sacrificing to buy them grocery pickup when they talk like that about me. And I will no longer care if they genuinely like me or not since it appears they genuinely do not unless I am buying.

I welcome thoughts on this and wish everyone on this site much healing and happiness.