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I would recommend that you don’t speak to Bob.

I think he’s shady and not to be trusted. If you say "hey Bob I’m not comfortable with XYZ between my wife and you", he will see you as insecure or possibly sense a divide in your marriage. And that may give him a chance to act if he thinks there is an opportunity with your wife.

I used to watch women openly flirts with my H. I didn’t care. I wasn’t jealous.

Now? If it happened my H would get a "look" from me and that might mean anything from "dial it back" or "get rid of her".

It doesn’t happen now because my H is very aware of boundaries and what is acceptable behavior.

But it wasn’t until I asserted myself on dday2 that anything changed.

Honestly I had the it’s "her or me" conversation b/c I was prepared for the outcome. You hope it doesn’t come to that but to get what you need, it may have to happen.

And if someone who is a business "colleague" said hello beautiful to me, I would think he’s a complete jerk and would reconsider wanting to go business with someone who shows a complete lack of professionalism.

Believe me I have my business built on relationships. I know how to make money by being charming. But it NEVER is unprofessional.

Long and short - Bob is a problem and your wife needs to do something about it.

I used to watch women openly flirts with my H. I didn’t care. I wasn’t jealous.

I was the same way. In fact, it would give me a little ego boost knowing other people found my wife atteactive. I was supremely confident I'd never have to worry about something like that. She would react by clinging a little closer to me and give off "not interested, I'm married" vibes, and let it be known she didn't appreciate it. My attitude toward that type of thing is not the same at all anymore. Over 27 years we were together before she had this affair, damnit.

As far as Bob goes, he might be white knighting by "protecting her from Sam" to score points. "I'll be your savior" type thing. I wouldn't trust him, but again I'm 6-7 weeks out from d day and still really shell shocked over the whole thing. I'm not in my right mind at all.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:11 PM, Sunday, June 1st]

I used to watch my W openly flirt with men and women. She flirts to get things she wants. It's a manipulated tactic, and also she likes doing it.

It always bothered me but I didn't say anything because I thought she would keep her vows and protect our relationship.

Clearly I was wrong.

Now I take the point of view that flirting with others is disrespectful given her actions, and I no longer sit by and remain quiet when she does things I'm not comfortable with.

The book Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass has a really good chapter on boundaries. It's called Windows and Walls. You establish windows between the two of you so you can see what each other is doing, being transparent, etc. You establish walls between the two of you and others outside of the M because there are things that really shouldn't be shared outside the M. The book goes into more detail, but that was my take away from reading it.