SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do you let go? My partner of 20 years has had an affair with a younger work colleague he’s fell in love with her. He’s still home as it stands but for the children. It’s clear as anything that he doesn’t want me but I’m still clinging onto hope that he will change his mind.

It’s been since May I found out fully found out how serious it was in June as I went through his phone. Then he was backed into a corner to confess. I’m pretty certain he’s not told all the truth.

I’m absolutely devastated and have literally poured my heart out to him this evening and nothing at all no tap on the hand just a blank look and he fell asleep. I’ve told him what I needed him to do and nothing. The affection has stopped but he will willingly have intercourse with me.

I’m so angry that he’s caused all this destruction and he’s so delusional. We’ve been through so much together and he’s threw our whole life we’ve built 6 children and everything away for a girl 14 years younger who still lives at home with her parents.

I’m not sure if it’s me been bitter or he’s just delusional? He keeps on how much he really liked her and how well they got on. I just want to scream at him how could that be when you were lying to her??

Not sure if I’m cracking up or what?
How do you get passed this stage? How do I just let go before I lose myself? How do I stop grieving for the life I thought we would have?

You're still in the very early stages, so what you're feeling is somewhat normal for where you are. You're barely 2 months in and it can take 2-5 years, if not longer. Give yourself grace at this time. If you're able to get out of bed and brush your teeth, that's a good day.

In the time when I was trying to stay or go, my line in the sand was that XWH was to have no inappropriate contact with another person. Well, he couldn't keep his hands to himself and I told him that he gave me no choice but D because I keep my word.

How did I let go? My betrayal trauma therapist and I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook and then a mindfulness and self-compassion workbook. It took healing, therapy and time. It wasn't until XWH and I had been separated about a year before I started to realize that the pain wasn't unbearable any longer, which was about 3 years from dday 1 and 15 months post decision to D.

Infidelity sucks and there's no justice. We all heal on different timelines, so practice self-care and focus on you.

You let go when you realize the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.
He’s not giving you anything to work with, and that is so hard. Please read up on the 180 and implement it to help you detach from him a bit and give your brain a break.

You are still in shock. The anger phase often shows up after 3-6 months, so don’t be surprised if that happens to you. Especially if he still being a dimwit.

PLEASE see a lawyer and get advice on what a D might look like. I know you want R, but right now he’s not a good candidate. It takes two to R and only one to D. And much of what you are experiencing is fear, and knowledge helps to tame the fear. So learn what your options are (and you do NOT need to tell him any of this). And if he does come around and be an R candidate, it will let you work from a position of power not fear.

You say partner - are you legally married? Do you have an income of your own? Tell us more about your situation so we can advise more informed.

Are you in IC? (Individual counseling). It;s REALLY helpful for working through the roller coaster of emotions.What support do you have IRL locally?

As has been pointed out this is all very fresh and it’s to be expected that you are all over the place.
Based on your last post and your above comment about how he keeps harping her qualities then it doesn’t really sound like he’s willing to reconcile as we see reconciliation. Based on him still being there then it’s a lot more that he just wants you to move on.

I’m going to suggest a very hard thing to do. If anything, it can be compared to an emotional rip-off-the-band aid. Tell him something like this:
"Husband. It’s clear you don’t have the emotions a husband is supposed to have to his wife. It’s clear that you think your happiness is with this OW. I might have other thoughts, and this is not how I envisioned our married life, but I still love you so much that I won’t stand in the way of your happiness. Keeping you here against your will is selfish on my behalf, and while you feel forced to be here there is no way you can have the emotions towards me that will fix our marriage.
Therefore I’m setting you free.
Go be with her, date her, spend time with her, move in with her... Whatever.
But not as my husband.

Let’s be real and start the process of terminating our marriage.
It’s a know process well established by law and tradition. We can get a solicitor to manage it, or each get our own. If we both commit to being fair then this can be over with in a few months.
It’s not what I want, but even less do I want to keep you here against your will, nor do I want to constantly be made second choice by your words and actions.

I will contact a solicitor this week and start the process. It would make things easier for you if you want to move on with your life with her to cooperate, but no matter what you do I am taking action.
There is a very small window where you can let me clearly and verbally know you want this marriage, and that might make me reconsider. But as much as I love you then I can’t accept being second choice or that you remain here simply for practical or financial reasons. I would require some actions like you changing jobs, you seeking IC and later on us going to counseling. But it’s all your choice. As I said: you are totally free to be with her. Just like I am totally free to refuse to be your wife if you do that."

Then move on.

Emotionally detach and read up on the hard 180.

And when his life comes crashing down (and it will) you need to decide if you will take him back or not.

I think that he is living in Fantasy Land right now and using this affair as an escape from 6 kids and looking at the OW as the next step to happiness. Life will be "easier" w/out all of the responsibilities he currently has.

Is he the Knight in Shining Armor type? Is this younger OW a hot mess and he’s going to "help her" get her life on track? Is this a typical midlife crisis affair for him and he’s feeling he missed out on life as a young single guy because he’s got "responsibilities"?

Just remember that you can’t believe everything you see. And he may be the type to go running off with the OW and "pretend" to be happy despite having made a mistake.

Missmee, I'm so sorry you're living through this nightmare this thoughtless man has so cruelly done to you and your children. No matter how we may feel about a spouse, or an OW, good or bad, the children should always be the most important thing to any adult. That this man will not do what is in the best interest of his kids, says everything that can be said about him to me. We may want to have sex with someone else, we may want to love someone else, but our obligations are always to our minor children - they need us for practical and moral support. There is no excuse for his behavior.

You're stuck in limbo right now, it sounds like because you don't know what to do with him. It sounds like you're tried appealing to his better nature, his sense of responsibility, his morals, your long relationship - whatever - and nothing makes any difference because this is what he wants right now. He wants this other relationship. There is nothing you can do about that. The "best" case scenario is that he tries to have BOTH and tries to force you into a never-ending pick me dance, which you should never do. Don't do the pick me dance, it's degrading and it doesn't work and it only gives HIM more power.

All I think you can really do in this situation is tell him to get the hell out and go see a lawyer and file for divorce. Do whatever you can to make it hurt - the love is already gone or he wouldn't be doing this. Get your power back through action, stop trying to work with him or change him. THIS BEHAVIOR IS A DECISION ON HIS PART, IT IS HIS CHOICE, no matter what we or any decent people think of it. It's not a decent thing to do, but it's what he wants. Other than trying to have you both which is....degrading and unworkable and a gross insult to you and your children.

Go for the divorce. You don't have to go all the way through, you can pull it at any point. I personally would go all the way. Get individual counseling for yourself, for the support. Take good care of yourself physically and mentally. Get whatever help and support you can get from family and friends and don't hesitate to tell them why. Don't rant about it, people can only take so much (I'm a ranter so I know), but be honest with everyone, let them know what you're going through. Filing for divorce will give you back power in the situation.

Personally as you say this woman is living at home with her parents, I would let her parents know what she is doing. You can do this through a letter, or email, or whatever. You might want to check with an attorney first about the wording but I think just letting them know what she's involved with might help to break it up from that side. I would not rely on getting this man back, frankly, because at this point, I would only think of him as whatever financially he could provide for the kids. I wouldn't want him back after this treatment. Maybe you shouldn't either.

Take care of yourself like you are a Queen. Because you are the Queen of that household and that family and you need to be as healthy as you can be for yourself and them. I think if you kick him to the curb, you might start feeling better about a lot of things. The worst part of any cheating relationship is the LIMBO part, to me. Stay with us and let us know how you're doing, and just also realize that while we're all rooting for you, not all of us, including me, know what is exactly right for you at this time. We can only say what we think or know and you can pick and choose, but believe me, we all do care.

Thank you all for the advice since the post it’s just basically going down hill. Surprise surprise turns out they were still sleeping together in June that he’s confessed this morning. I’m 100% certain he is still seeing her. I called her number today off his work phone to see how and if she answered because he says there’s no contact. She answered straight away, He refused and told her to end the call which she did. There’s no option left he’s going to have to leave! Unfortunate timing as 2 of my children have birthdays this week.
I think the affair is a typical reaching 40 and feels like he’s missing out on stuff. Probably not helped by all the young carefree lads he’s been working with.
Another thing I’ve noticed he’s been doing is instead of answering questions he says he will pack and leave this again shows me he’s lying. He’s also said I was meant to throw him out and then he would have gone to hers. I think he’s to much of a coward to walk out where as in his eyes if I throw him out he won’t look as bad.
The next issue is him seeing the children he has nowhere to take them, he wants to see them of a weekend but stay here. I feel it’s a tricky situation because then he’s free weekdays to do what he wants then be in the family home weekends? But then if I say no am I spiting my children?

I’m sorry for you. You have some tough decisions to make.

Sounds like a typical midlife crisis coupled with "I’m married and I’m missing out" so I’m going to become a selfish lying cheating jerk.

You need to force him to leave. You cannot continue to sit around and watch this charade. It’s not good for you or kids.

As far as cheating the kids — that is 100% on him. He’s created this situation that YOU have to suffer through.

I’d suggest that after he leaves, you make an agreement that gives him access to the kids when he is available to take them out for a few hours or a day.

No visitation at your home or residence. He’s no longer welcome and he has to start providing for them while he is separated. That means $ for you and child support to provide for kids.

He can take them to the park or a family friend or his apartment — but not to be in the presence of the OW. At least not for now. It’s too soon and too confusing.

Do not make it easy for him. That is what he is counting on.

Missmee

I have pretty standard near boilerplate advice for people in your situation. I think it’s semi-standard simply because its mainly based on the reality of the situation. Reality is that the ONLY reason you are in a relationship with this man is because you want to. It’s not because you need to. Yes – there will be major life-changes, financial impact and all that, but lots of people divorce and they tend to survive. Most even thrive.
Now – I am not telling you to divorce.

But I am suggesting you get out of infidelity.
That can only happen IMHO if one of two things happen: The affair ends, or the marriage ends. After all – if you terminate the marriage and start an independent life his actions are no longer you concern.
Never said the two options were easy.

But... Replace infidelity with this situation: You wake up to the screaming of smoke-detectors. You could hide under the sheets and hope nothing is wrong. You could ignore the smell of smoke. You could try to convince yourself that having a fire in the kitchen is OK – at least it’s warm.
Any of the above likely?
Hope not. I would expect you to rush out of bed, confirm there is a fire, call the fire-department, get everyone out to safety, maybe try to extinguish the flames, save valuables...
Once the firemen are there you wouldn’t wail about them tramping the floors in their boots, or the water on the carpets. You wouldn’t call a contractor to fix things while the flames are still raging.
Once the fire is out you wouldn’t just go back to sleep. You would evaluate the damage and evaluate if rebuilding is possible or not.

It’s the same with your marriage right now. It’s blazing, and while your husband is not committed to reconciliation then at best you are sleeping in a bed in a burning house. The longer it burns, the more damage, the more precious resources are wasted.

My advice is based on acknowledging this. It’s taking the power away from the WS and placing it in your hands. It allows you to control the pace on your walk out of infidelity, with the WS possibly – for a time – being able to help you decide if that path is R or D.
Fortunately, these destinations run parallel and even share the same path early on, before splitting.

My advice is this. Sit your husband/partner down and say something like:

Husband – I love you and envisioned us growing old together. However I have had an epiphany. Even worse than losing you is sharing you. While you prioritize your infidelity over the marriage, I am at BEST sharing you. I don’t share my husband.

I am taking power of what I can control. I can’t make you end your infidelity, but I can refuse to take part in it. I refuse to share.
I am setting you free of all marital obligations and commitments. You are free to date OW, pine for OW, be with OW, play house with OW... whatever. You have no marital obligation towards me, nor I to you. We will have a lot of practical obligations, but I will start the formal process of terminating them and establishing new processes for our roles as coparents.
It would be in good taste and I think I deserve that you don’t flaunt your new freedom and new partner around the home until we have resolved ongoing living arrangements, but that’s totally up to you.

There are laws and procedures to ensure we have a fair division, and I suggest we follow them to make this as amicable as possible. I am not waiting for you to start the process, but nor do I feel a need to rush things. I will proceed at my pace. I am confident that the further along this path out of infidelity I go, the more content I will be with my decision and the more focused I will be at reaching the end goal. If you have any wish to reconcile this marriage then you need to understand your window of opportunity is short and fast closing.
Like I said, this is not what I envisioned but it’s by far the best option open to me.

Then simply go do something else. You have stated your case. He goes and says "I can’t control whom I fall for" you answer "Sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage this would be an issue. Seeing as we aren’t there really isn’t anything to gain from doing so".
That becomes your standard reply to all relationship talk.

The key here is not only to deliver this speech, but then to follow on through. Irrespective of his initial response and even if he promises to ditch her – you start your processes. You learn about the process of separation and what needs to be done. No response – you move on. If he promises improvement, you carry on – but might pause or delay before progressing. Base your speed and next steps on his reactions – AND your wish.

This is not manipulation. It’s simply stating the obvious and the only logical outcome. If he realizes that his behavior towards OW is going to cost him his family it MIGHT sway him. Or not. It MIGHT make you envision where you can reconcile. Or not. But if you stick to it then AT LEAST you end up in a better place than now.